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August 11, 2015

With the recent decision by Target to get rid of girls' and boys' toy sections, where do you expect G.I. Joes to crap? In front of the Barbies?

Welp, you did it, PC Police. You ruined America, yet again. Your latest victim? Innocent toys. Thanks to pressure from people like you, retail chain Target announced that they will stop separating toys and bedding into girls’ and boys’ sections — meaning no more designated “pink aisles” so girls know where to find their Barbies and kitchen sets or "boy aisles” so boys know where to find everything else. Many of you short-sighted elites are calling this a victory for gender equality, but while you’re busy cheers-ing with glasses of Prosecco or whatever it is you complainers do to celebrate, consider this: Where are the G.I. Joes supposed go to the bathroom?

In front of the Barbies?

Please. And yeah, toys go to the bathroom. They get out of their boxes at night and take little shits under the toy shelves. Don’t believe me? Crouch down and take a look under there sometime. You’ll see little black pellets about the size of a grain of rice. They look a lot like mouse turds except they’re made of hard plastic. A good test for telling the difference is to bite down on one — if it breaks or starts to dissolve in your mouth, it’s mouse shit. But if it gives a little and stays intact, that’s action-figure dung. It’s sort of like those little extra pieces you’re left with when you snap apart Ninja Turtle weapons from their plastic framework and there are those little leftover nubs, except more turd-like.

And before you accuse me of being “gendered” or “sexist” or “delusional from eating mouse feces,” you should know that I’m not JUST concerned about the male toys here. I’m thinking about all parties involved. For instance, where are the girl toys gonna have their periods? Do you liberal wackos really want Barbie and Elsa dropping red heat in front of Magneto and John Cena? I know Magneto’s gay but I’m sorry, that is just totally inappropriate! Am I the only sane man left in America?


Cobra Commander realizing there’s nowhere for him to crap without girls seeing.

And before you ship me off to the PC hospital with a big red “PROBLEMATIC” or “SUFFERING FROM MOUSE-BORNE HANTAVIRUS"stamped to my forehead, let me be clear: This isn’t about telling boys and girls what they can and can’t play with. I personally don’t care what they play with. Let ‘em play with knives for all I care. My issue is how am I supposed to look a Batman doll in the eye when he asks "Daddy, whewre do I go pee-pee and poo-poo now? Dewere’s giwls in hewer. Pwease, Daddy, make Amewica gweat again.”

And yeah, Batman dolls talk to me when I walk down the toy aisles of stores. And they have little baby voices and are my sons. Does that shock you? I suppose that makes me “offensive,” “subversive” or “suffering from an advanced case of Mouse Fever,” a madness common among shut-ins who spend all day in dimly lit basement apartments getting mice to bite them on purpose. You know who else they called “insane”? Jeffrey Dahmer.


Holy crap you guys a mouse just crawled out of my mouth and ran under the stove. I’m not even joking a fucking mouse just crawled out of my mouth and scurried away down my leg and underneath the oven. Oh my God. That was fucking insane and disgusting. I have to go to the doctor right now so I’m just gonna click “Publish” on this article and deal with it later. In the meantime, don’t read any of this, it was written by an evil mouse living inside my brain.