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March 19, 2018

Smoking is dangerous. A single cigarette can make your car explode. 18 of the most ridiculous things from last night's 'The Walking Dead' S08E12 "The Key"

1) Slow Motion Face Close Ups Are Back

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You guys! These monkey ass slow motion face close ups are back. They got all none of our letters demanding it. This isn’t good story telling. This isn’t lazy storytelling. It’s not any kind of story telling, it’s just straight monkey ass.

2) “Guts Is Guts”

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3) Buckle Up

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Negan is tucking Lucille in to that passenger seat blood bucket the same way I buckle up my Tuesday night groceries and I am HERE. FOR. THIS. CUTE. SHIT.

4) Ricky G Is Back

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Welcome back, Rick! Time to bring you up to speed. You have another kid, here she is, we know you space on that detail from time to time. Aaaand that’s about it. Great to see you.

5) What’s Right And Fair

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Daryl is correct. He looks around and what he sees … it’s not right. Or fair. These actors who are left should be allowed to leave this show and go do other stuff that pays better. Like a Netflix original movie or high stakes blackjack in Dubai. Rick goes with the “let’s split up” strategy because that’s never gotten everyone killed all the time for nine fucking years.

6) This Podcast Sucks

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“Let’s get weird?” This podcast sucks. How bad is this podcast? Even the word “extemporaneous” can’t save it and that word can save just about anything. It’s a wonderful word that I can in no way use correctly in a sentence or spell on my own.

7) Hipster Scavengers

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So let me get this straight. They want to help you guys survive in exchange for a couple of gluten-free granola bars and LPs? Michonne is right. Some Funyons and Thriller on vinyl is a small price to pay to see tomorrow. Enid is all “hashtag me too” and saddles her mopey ass up.

8) Rick’s Open Mic

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Mic check. One two one two. Ricky G here with some fresh material. What did the four wheels say to your face? BAMMMM!! Stop me if you’ve heard this car before.


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Rick Grimes cartwheels out of his crashed vehicle and fires a machine gun just because he enjoys the way it sounds. He shoots blindly then reloads when he has a clear shot. A bold strategy that does not pay off because it makes zero damn sense.

10) Low On Ammo? Throw A Hatchet

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Wow. Rick finally ran out of ammo. I’m glad this show about zombies decided to employ some much overdue realism. HATCHET THROWING TIME, MOFOS. Rick has Negan cornered! And, because of his dramatic timing and pauses, Negan drops the fuck out of there. Deuces. Nice one, Rick.

11) Georgie The Crackhead

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Uhhh. Who are these people? Maggie flanks them to show she can be trusted. If someone shows up in a van talking about essential knowledge for the future, they’re a crackhead. That’s classic crackhead talk. And a crackhead in a searsucker jacket is still a crackhead. Searsucker jackets are the oldest trick in the crackhead playbook.

12) Flibbershticky And Klompf Are My New Favorite Characters

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Flibbershticky and klompf are, without a doubt, my new favorite characters. They’re bold and compelling and dynamic and you never know what flibbershticky and klompf will do next. We are in the eighth season of this show and year four of me doing these recaps (SHOUT OUT TO EVERYBODY WHO HAS BEEN READING THESE FOR THREE FULL YEARS, WE ARE SERIOUSLY IN OUR FOURTH YEAR OF THESE HERE SHITS) and I’m not gonna lie I’m beginning to reevaluate some of my life choices.

13) Suck A Rick

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I swear to god this is a screen shot of the show and not just a black rectangle with an AMC logo but honestly there’s no difference.

Negan makes some good points. No, not the one about him being a cat. Or this being Christmas and Hanukkah and Kwanza at the same time. The one about how everyone was fine before Rick showed up. Because everyone was fine before Rick showed up. He’s like the plague. 50 years from now, kids will sing Rick Grimes nursery rhymes (tentatively titled Nursery Grimes) about the great death that descended on everyone with his dark cloud of stuff and things.

14) Just Move On Somehow

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Simon tries to connect with Dwight regarding his plan to leave Negan for dead. By taking to him about his nuts and how they’re dangling in the breeze. The only way for a man to connect with a nother man.

15) The Cigarette Flick Car Explosion

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Ohhhhh come the fuck on with this shit.

16) Michonne Is Right

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Michonne is right! Carl rescued Siddiq. And now we have a doctor. And a friend. And ZERO Carl. Case closed.

17) Burning Down The House

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Rick “Master Negotiator” Grimes fucks this one up left, right, up, down, front, back and side to side. He lights the only thing Negan cares about on fire, tells him that, and then turns his back on Negan to smack wood. F- strategy And Negan is correct once again! Rick is being crazy as shit. Unleashing all these burning zombies. If Rick really wanted Negan dead he would focus his efforts on killing Negan. But he doesn’t. Not even a little. Because this show wants to go on forever which makes about as much sense as a burning bat that in no way diminishes in size as it continues to burn and be smacked for minutes and minutes and minutes and smacks and smacks.

18) I’m With Her

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This. Bitch. I don’t know why I trust her, but I do. Sorry, did I say trust? I meant I don’t know why I flibbershticky her, but I DO. She showed up with comic books about windmills and all she wants is a pile of Led Zeppelin albums and some cheese. When you put it like that, the zombie apocalypse sounds a lot like middle school hanging out in my buddy Danny’s pool house. There was plenty of comic books, Led Zeppelin albums, and cheese. TUNE IN NEXT WEEK! Will Simon lead the saviors to prosperity? They are all Negan! Which means they are all going to beat his brains in next week when they find out about his plan to leave Negan for dead. What will Negan and Jadis listen to on their road trip? Hall & Oates on repeat. Best road trip ever. Will Enid ever stop moping? Yes! After the season 37 Mope Place Like Home story comes to its gripping conclusion. Comic readers know what I’m talking about. None of this and more! Next time on S08E13 of The Walking Dead.