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February 27, 2017

Eugene came here to do two things: light candles and eat pickles. And he has plenty of candles and pickles.

Previously on The Most Ridiculous Things From Last Night’s The Walking Dead…

1) Eugene’s Living On Easy Street

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First impressions matter, so it’s smart Eugene introduced himself to the Saviors by sob marching through the halls making a face like he just chewed a handful of Shock Tarts then gargled rancid goat milk.

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“Can I have lobster?”

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“To cut your hair?”

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Eugene activating “masturbation mode” for his new domicile.

Eugene’s new place is nicer than my apartment. Seriously. I moved into a new place at the beginning of this year (going great, btw) and I don’t have all these appliances or books or a rug or a fridge full of eggs and questionably fresh vegetables. The loose beers check out, lord knows I’ve got a few of those. Also, Eugene is welcome at my place anytime. ZERO KETTLE CHIPS FOR THIS DUDE! Mostly because I have type-1 diabetes.

2) It’s Hard To Be Intimidating When You’re Angrily Grabbing A Fistful Of Lollipops

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I didn’t go to any fancy medical school (shocking) but I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to quietly probe your patient for information as to what he might know so you can divulge that intel to his boss later. Talking shit about his estranged ex-wife who is now married to your aforementioned boss also seems like a no-no. But Dwight showed him who’s REALLY in charge when he furiously plunged his mighty fist into that cute thing of tiny lollipops. He even knocked one of those pops onto the floor! Dwight didn’t even want the lollipops, it was all about sending a message.

3) Negan Being This Mean To Eugene Feels Unnecessary

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Negan, I don’t know how to tell you this but you don’t need to make Eugene stand there holding pickles saying he’s doctor smarty pants to break him. Eugene was broken right out of the box like a bookshelf from Ikea that got dropped down a flight of stairs.

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“You really are just some asshole.”

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“Was it the haircut that tipped you off?”

I love that Eugene is lying again about his background. His “I’m a genius who works for the government” con is like re-runs on NBC. If Negan hasn’t seen the con then it’s new to him!

4) Eugene’s Gift Pickles & The Wives He Can’t Fuck

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Long time readers of this post will NO DOUBT be wondering if Jar Of Pickles is my new favorite character. Of course Jar Of Pickles is my new favorite character. Jar Of Pickles is bold and compelling and dynamic and what I love most about Jar Of Pickles is you never know quite what Jar Of Pickles will do when Jar Of Pickles is on screen. Unless you read the comics! Then you already know how Jar Of Pickles fits into the All Out Pickles storyline we have to look forward to over the next 19 seasons.

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Wow, Negan. Thank you for sending over a group of hot women who smell nice for Eugene to smell but not have sex with. What a wonderfully thoughtful gesture that won’t cause any temptations or awkward tensions or deep-seated resentment. Sincerely, thank you so SO much for the hot women who smell nice that can result in your death if you look at them funny.

5) Eugene’s Slumber Party Activities Include Video Games From 40 Years Ago And A Parking Lot Science Fair

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Eugene, I know you’re supposed to not have sex with these women but playing video games from 40 years ago by yourself is going WAY TOO FAR in that direction. And nobody wants to play that four player mess you mentioned. These girls want to play Mario Kart! Guarantee you these girls want to play Mario Kart.

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Damn, Eugene. NEXT LEVEL mansplaining. You just had to mansplain that you can’t possibly mansplain your brilliance to these girls because they wouldn’t comprehend the mansplanation. Anyone else get the vibe these girls are just there to verify Eugene’s intelligence for Negan? Because it feels an awful lot like that.

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Perfect, this dorky cow udder balloon contraption should definitely prove you’re the genius you say you are.

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Eugene really flipped the script on Negan’s Angels. They were there to tempt him, but all this humming by candlelight and Diet Coke Mentos science and tiny balloon explosions probably have them re-thinking the possibility they’ll fuck a guy who looks like Eugene before they die. The likelihood is still zero, but before this parking lot science fair it was in the negative numbers.

6) Dwight’s Handwritten Breakup Email

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As a guy who has been broken up with over email before, I can safely say it is THE WORST way to get broken up with. So I feel for Dwight and his handwritten breakup email. “Being there isn’t better than being dead, it’s worse.” Pretty sure she’s talking about Phoenix.


Ugh. YOU GUYS! He brought the beer and pretzels she mentioned in the handwritten breakup email!

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He brought her a six pack of her favorite generic beer with no clear branding that you only see in film and TV productions to avoid tricky licensing issues. What a thoughtful gentleman.

7) Wine With Eugene

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Nothing suspicious here, just two hot girls showing up at your door with wine to watch you play old video games. I’m sure that kind of thing happens all the time to Eugene! Amber just drinks and cries? Glad they finally started putting some relatable characters on this show! They aren’t afforded any mental health services? Of course not, Eugene! This is America. We don’t do that here, regardless of whether or not it’s a zombie apocalypse.

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Eugene, one of two things is happening. Either these women are trying to test your loyalty to Negan so they can report back or they’re making you be disloyal to Negan and he’s going to find out and kill you . There’s only one fact that is absolutely positive: No matter how many stupid acronyms you spit out or how much you help their sad friend kill herself, they are never going to have sex with you.

8) Eugene Asks To Speak To This Lady’s Manager, Fulfilling His Haircut’s Destiny

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Really loved the music switch when Eugene realizes he has a “let me speak to your manager” haircut and flexes so hard on this lady who’s just trying to do her job and make sure people don’t cut in line. What’s with these weird music cues this season? This is the bomb solving music all over again.

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But is Grimbly Gunk my new favorite character? You know it. Grimbly Gunk doesn’t say much, but that’s because Grimbly Gunk doesn’t need to. With Grimbly Gunk it’s all about the facting. That’s when you act with your face, and Grimbly Gunk is the best factor in the biz. And I understand the need to assert yourself, but Eugene randomly grabbing a big pile of unknown stuff to dump into his receptacle that is built to hold shit and piss feels like overkill and also maybe some damning evidence that he’s not the genius he claims to be.

9) Eugene Looks Like He’s Going To Zombie Burning Man With This Bullshit

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Hope you activated masturbation mode on your door, Eugene. Treason is one thing, but if anyone walks in on you looking like that they’re going to know you’re not, in fact, a brilliant man. Also, this show is doing Breaking Bad (a show that aired on the same network at the same time on the same day a few years ago) stuff again! You know what other show did Breaking Bad stuff? The other show about zombies that I also watch and write recaps about that airs on the same network at the same time just during different parts of the year! Fun. Glad I have such an encyclopedic knowledge of these two shows at this point, I’m sure it’s a skill that will come in handy one of these days.

10) Doctor Dickhole Is Asking For It

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Doctor Dickhole is really asking for it. Dwight is SO pissed off now. How pissed?!? He’s gonna take, like, TWELVE lollipops this time! THAT IS HOW UNCONTROLLABLE DWIGHT’S RAGE IS TOWARDS THIS INCREDIBLY UNPROFESSIONAL DICKHOLE OF A DOCTOR.

11) Negan Turned One Of The Last Doctors On Earth Into Pizza

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I fully appreciate the need to run a tight ship and keep your team in line, but I don’t think it’s a prudent decision to throw one of the last remaining doctors on Earth into an oven like he’s a goddamn pepperoni pizza. Also, shove the rest of him in the oven! Half your pizza’s ass is just hanging out there, it’s kind of awkward.

12) Eugene Was A Little Too Excited To Say He’s Negan

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“I was Negan before I even met you. I’m just a guy with a bad haircut standing in front of a man with no ass, asking you to let me eat your pickles.”

Eugene was a little too eager to answer Negan’s question. He didn’t even let Negan finish asking the question! I’m sure Eugene swears he usually doesn’t answer that he’s Negan so quickly. This honestly NEVER happens! If Negan gives Eugene, like, 12 minutes he can probably be ready to say he’s Negan again and take a little longer this time.

13) Eugene Apologizing To Dwight For Biting His Penis While He Eats A Pickle Seemed A Little Insensitive

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Eugene apologizing to Dwight for that time he bit his penis in the woods (and not in a nice way) while Eugene was currently consuming a pickle (those things are dick shaped) felt a little insensitive. Not dissimilar to Brie Larson (she won an Academy Award last year for her portrayal of a rape survivor) being the person who had to hand Casey Affleck (known creep who has been accused of multiple counts of sexual assault) his Academy Award last night. I’m not sure which was worse, but both were things I watched last night and now I’m telling you about them because that’s how this article works. Truly the greatest article of all time. Truly. TUNE IN NEXT WEEK! Will we spend one entire episode focusing on one character over the course of 36 hours, making sure the overall plot advances as slow as possible? Sure! That feels like a great use of everyone’s time. Will Negan’s Angels get to play Mario Kart? Maybe, but you already know Eugene is calling Yoshi. Will I EVER have lunch with my friend Katie Danza? Something I brought up in a post in November and a few of you comment every week asking about it, demanding I give you the update I promised? Yes! We were supposed to get lunch last week but couldn’t and we’re going to try again this week but who knows. But in the meantime just know she thinks it’s really funny, and also kind of weird, how invested you are in a storyline about us as friends that exists in a recap article about a zombie TV show. Truly the greatest article of all time. Truly. NONE OF THIS AND MORE on S07E11 of The Walking Dead!