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Stats & Data

June 22, 2016

Most of it is going toward coming up with hip, new racial slurs.

Reports came out this week that Donald Trump’s presidential campaign only has about $1.3 million on hand, while his presumed opponent for the White House, Hillary Clinton, has about $41 million. Some experts believe that Trump doesn’t have enough funding to stay competitive, but Trump’s bare-bones race has been surprisingly effective. Here’s how he plans to spend the rest of his reserves…

$50,000 - New wife for when Melania breaks

$12,000 - T-Shirts for ladies that say “Trump” right over the boobs

$11,000 - Big dirt pen so he can trot Ivanka around like a horse at convention

$102,000 - Black and white TV Ads that show people in turbans while scary music plays

$600 - Escape the Room tickets (to keep Chris Christie happy)

$200,000 - Pending Litigation (setting up a scam school, campaign officials assaulting reporters, demolishing that orphanage by mistake, etc.)

$750 - Obama effigies

$90,000 - Phone banks where people call up voters and say scary stuff in Mexican accents

$114 - Extra large sling shot to launch handguns into crowds at rallies

$400 - Raw shrimp (for Trump)

$89 - Live rats (for my Trump’s sons)

$833,047 - Think Tank for hip, new racial slurs (emphasis on Muslim ones)