When it comes to diversity in the workplace, America has made some strides in recent years, but one key demographic remains woefully underrepresented: skeletons. We here at Funny Or Die, however, aren’t “scared” of a little diversity. While other, less progressive comedy websites like CollegeHumor.com are still hiring mostly white males in their late twenties and early thirties, our latest hire is over 240 years old and has literally NO skin color at all — because he has no skin.
Meet Tony, the newest member of the Funny Or Die team. Tony loves house music, hanging out with friends, and playing his own ribcage like a xylophone — just like you and me. What makes Tony unique, however, is that he happens to be a skeleton.
And while the Cracked.coms of the world would sooner bury Tony in the ground than accept him as a coworker, we at Funny Or Die have gone out of our way to create a new set of Sensitivity Guidelines for interacting with skeletons in the workforce:
No Bones About It: Maintaining a Respectful Workplace Environment for Skeletons
Don’t Act Scared
Jumping out at people is an important and time-honored part of skeleton culture, and we need to be respectful of that. If a skeleton coworker leaps out at you, it’s important to keep your cool and never, EVER scream. Screaming is basically the N-word for skeletons.
Words are powerful, and sometimes joking can go too far. When working with a skeleton, be sure to avoid offensive terms like “bonehead,” “Skeletor,” and “grave monkey.”
Because skeletons no longer possess sexual organs, they are legally exempt from traditional sexual harassment policies. If a skeleton coworker makes an unwanted advance at you, it’s best to just let him do his business, keeping in mind that this could never lead to actual intercourse. If the harassment continues, you are permitted to rip off his arms and give them to a dog.
Time off must be granted in observance of all major skeleton holidays including Halloween, Dia de los Muertos, and Yom Kippur (for Jewish skeletons).
Because they have no nipples, pubic hair or genitals to cover up, skeletons are not required to wear clothes. They are, however, encouraged to wear neckties whenever possible because that’s always pretty funny to see.
Though being a skeleton is not a disability, many do require special ramps (for skateboarding).
So that’s it! I Can Has Cheezburger, eBaumsworld, Fark.com and every other backwards, intolerant comedy site out there is encouraged to take note and get on the right side of history already.
Thanks for taking the time to review these guidelines and shout-out to all my boneheads down at the Greenwood Cemetery (it’s OK, we’re allowed to call each other that)!
– Linda Campanelli
Funny Or Die, Inc