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July 01, 2017
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Besides July 4th, the other days really need to step up their patriotism game.

The Fourth of July is one of America’s shining moments. People across this country come together to celebrate America’s independence and democracy.

But what about the rest of July? As an American, it’s pretty disappointing. Let’s take a look at the days that could learn from July 4th.


July 1

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Right from the start, July completely ignores America and its independence.


July 2

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Piggybacking on July 1st, July 2nd flat out refuses to honor our Founding Fathers.


July 3

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Looks like someone’s been hanging out with July 1st and 2nd too much…


July 5

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Wow. Following the most patriotic day of the month, July 5th does nothing. Shame on you July 5th.


July 6

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July 6th doesn’t claim to be un-American. If so, why won’t it come out and say “Hey, I want to be Independence Day too.”


July 7

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A great day to honor red, white, and blue? July 7th doesn’t think so.


July 8

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What’s July 8th but a wasted opportunity for a “Double 4th of July.”


July 9-12

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Nothing to see here. Just four days who are “too cool” to be patriotic.


July 13

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Come on July 13th!


July 14

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Woody Guthrie’s birthday, that no good communist.


July 15

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When I learned this, I had to look it up to make sure it wasn’t fake news (sadly it’s not)- July 15 has NEVER celebrated the colonies’ declaration of independence from Britain.


July 16

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Nope.


July 17

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Nothing.


July 18

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How long does it take to forget our Founding Fathers? According to July 18, only a fortnight.


July 19

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I asked my mailman if he’d stop delivering mail on the 19th to honor America. He just looked at me and walked away. Go ahead, mailman. Turn your back on America. I know I won’t.


July 20-23

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Four more days that get their kicks from snubbing Lady Liberty.


July 24

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This is my dad’s birthday. Sorry Dad, but my favorite birthday is America’s birthday (second favorite is Mom’s)


July 25

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I hold this truth to be self-evident: July 25th doesn’t give a damn about America or independence.


July 26

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Nada.


July 27

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Squat.


July 28

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I like to call July 28th “Benedict Arnold Day” because it too betrays America.


July 29

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July 29th isn’t a bad day, just confused. It should really ask itself: what would July 4th do?


July 30

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Knock knock. Who’s there? July 30th, who apparently liked being ruled by a tyrant.


July 31

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This is the way July ends, not with a bang but a whimper. We can only hope that August gives us 31 straight days of celebrating American independence.

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