Are you ready for the commitment of watering the tree on a regular basis?
How will the tree look in your living room?
How will the tree look splayed out on the sidewalk the morning of December 26th?
Does the tree require tap water, Poland Spring, or the really good Italian aqua that comes in glass bottles?
In the event that Santa Claus (Kris Kringle) is real, would the sight of the tree enthrall him to garnish it with gifts or climb back in the chimney and move onto the next house?
In the event that Santa Claus (Kris Kringle) is not real, would your childlike imagining of him approve of chosen tree?
You know your local department store sells plastic ones that are shed-free and pre-lit for like 19 bucks, right?
Would your mother-in-law strongly disapprove or slightly disapprove of choice of tree?
Is chosen tree truly the Cadillac of Trees, or rather the (compact and unassuming) Ford Focus of Trees?
When listening to Brenda Lee’s “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree,” is this the tree you picture?
Does chosen tree exemplify the birth of Christ in all his glory?
What greeting would best compliment chosen tree: Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas, or Merry Jesus CHRISTmas Amen?
Would chosen tree make both your Instagram and Facebook followers sufficiently seethe with jealousy?
Do you have as strong an attraction with the tree as the lovelorn lead characters in the critically acclaimed new film Call Me By Your Name, in theaters now?
Is chosen tree housebroken?
How many fidget spinners can be stacked under tree?
Are you ready for the nostalgic smell of pine to linger in your house and bring you back to a time in your life when everything was simpler and you weren’t in crushing debt?
Does the concept of free will exist or is it merely an illusion? (Note: Not entirely related to picking a real tree, just something to think about.)
If transporting tree using public transit, are you prepared to purchase a seat for chosen tree and dress it up so people think it’s a hairy green person in a hoodie?
Why stop at purchasing a single tree when you can buy one for every room of the house (bathrooms included)?
In the event of a devastating house fire, are you emotionally capable of watching the tree burn through the window of your living room along with the rest of your belongings and then and only then realize that the true meaning of the holidays isn’t about picking the perfect tree or buying the perfect gifts, but rather about the people you’re with and then call your estranged father?
Why are you participating in this capitalist charade anyway?