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August 04, 2016

Rio, home of the final Olympics.

Listen, Steve, I know you thought you were coming in today to finalize the publishing contract, but I’ve got some bad news. We can’t publish your book. Simply put, your young adult dystopian novel where the entire world plummets into a hellish nightmare realm of utter confusion and hopelessness is just too close to what’s actually happening with the Rio Olympics.

Was that simply put? I can draw a picture if that will make it clearer. No? Great, that was a bluff. I can’t draw.

Ultimately, Steve, we can’t publish a book that claims it’s fiction when it’s already become non-fiction.

It’s a real shame since I loved reading The Impossible Death World manuscript. Boy, from the moment those human body parts washed on shore near that beach volleyball game, I knew I was in for a grim, but enjoyable page-turner.

Then when the police force itself went on strike due to unpaid wages as a result of the nation being in a state of financial disaster, I was hooked. The only time I could stop myself from reading it was when I heard a news alert informing me that all of that, the body parts, the police, and the financial crisis, was all currently happening in Brazil.

Guess your Death World isn’t so Impossible now, eh, Steve? Haha.

But seriously it’s terrible and I’m worried. My brother lives in Brazil. Or maybe it’s Chile? Wait, no he just works at Chili’s downtown. Still I’m worried.

Have you heard about this Zika thing? Oh, of course you have! It’s virtually the exact same mosquito transmitted murderous super-virus you wrote about in your book. I thought you were being unnecessarily mean to the noble mosquito, but it turns out you were right, Steve. They’re evil and deadly.

Evil and deadly like the air quality and drinking water of Homicity 3000 in your book, but hell at least Homicity 3000’s drinking water didn’t have raw sewage being poured into it like in Rio. Did you see that shit on the news? Literally, did you see that literal shit? And we’re sending the world’s greatest athletes there to drink that! This is one moment I’m glad I didn’t qualify for the Olympics or tryout for the Olympics or hear about the Olympics until last week. Sounds terrible.

I mean what is this? The Olympic Games or The Hunger Games? By the way, that’s another book that I wouldn’t publish now because it’s far too realistic. Also because it’s already been published.

Well, I don’t want to take up any more of your time. If you think you can rewrite the book into a savage dystopia that isn’t currently occurring, we’d love to have another look.

Oh, and Steve, I know this seems bad, but at least that Earth-shattering nuclear disaster didn’t happen in Rio like at the end of The Impossible Death World, eh? Haha.

Hold on, I’m getting a news alert. OH GOD! IT HAPPENED!!!

Steve, I have to make sure my brother’s safe! TO CHILI’S!!!