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January 30, 2017
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If you're a Senator, just read along!

There are scripts circulating online that citizens can you to make calling their representatives easier. But what about the poor representatives? If you’re a current Senator or Congressperson, see below for some scripts you can use when you get those pesky phone calls from concerned citizens and you don’t know what to say.


Regarding A Specific Vote

Hi, (SIR or MA’AM), this is (YOUR NAME), one of your state representatives. You recently called questioning the way I voted on (VOTING ISSUE). I voted that way because, as an American, I felt that was the right thing to do. If you disagree with me on this issue, I’m sorry we cannot see eye, and even more sorry about how wrong and stupid you are. Obviously I know better than you. That’s why I’m a highly respected elected official and, you work at, I assume, a store that only sells mustard. Leave the politics to me, mustard (BOY or GIRL).


Regarding Supporting Trump

Hi, (SIR or MA’AM), this is (YOUR NAME), one of your state representatives. You recently called my office asking why I support President Trump. First and foremost, as a member of the United States government, I will always support the leader of the United States. If a can of Pringles was elected President, I would be honored to serve it, especially if it was Sour Cream & Onion, but even if it was Plain. Yeah, a Pringles President would be pretty cool. What were we talking about again? Oh, yeah. Trump. I support President Trump because he is going to Make America Great Again, and not because he promised to take me on a tour of the Pringles factory if I supported him. That’s a lie. Alternative fact. Fake news. I have to go now, the tour starts any minute.


Regarding Climate Change

Hi, (SIR or MA’AM), this is (YOUR NAME), one of your state representatives. You recently called my office with concerns about President Trump and his cabinet not believing in the theories of climate change and global warming. Let me ease your mind by telling you that President Trump is doing his best to combat rising temperatures by making sure America manufactures more and more air conditioners and above ground pools. So, even if global warming is real and not a hoax created by the Chinese and Al Gore, us Americans will remain cool while the rest of the world is in flames. I’ll see you at the pool!


Regarding Not Speaking Out Against Trump Building A Wall

Hi, (SIR or MA’AM), this is (YOUR NAME), one of your state representatives. You recently called my office asking me to speak out against President Trump’s desire to build a border wall between the United States and Mexico. I’m in favor of the wall, but not for a reason that is divisive, racist, or wrong. I’m simply pro-walls. Name a wall, I love it and am glad it was built. So you can’t be mad at me for this. If you love dogs, I can’t be mad if you want to buy a giant dog that straddles the border between two countries and makes it hard for people to cross, now can I? That’s what I thought. Please never call me about a wall-based issue again. You know where I stand. Right next to a wall. Any wall.


Regarding Health Care

Hi, (SIR orMA’AM), this is (YOUR NAME), one of your state representatives. You recently called my office with concerns about how the country is handling health care. However, it has come to my attention that you have a pre-existing condition, so I refuse to respond to you and that’s perfectly legal. Peace!


Regarding Donald Trump Being An Intergalactic Entity Comprised Of Pure Hatred and Stupidity

Hi, (SIR or MA’AM), this is (YOUR NAME), one of your state representatives. You recently called my office with concerns that our President is an intergalactic entity comprised of pure hatred and stupidity. Let me be the first to say, HOW DID YOU FIND OUT THE TRUTH??? We can’t talk over the phone. I’ll tell you about the hidden resistance movement in person. I’ll meet you where you work, which is, I assume, a terrible store that only sells mustard. Together we’ll help remove President Trump and put a true leader in power. And by that, I mean a can of Sour Cream & Onion Pringles!

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