This week’s tweets are a bit of a paradox unto themselves.
im very jealous of schrödingers cat in that I want to be dead but I also don't want to be dead , and boxes are fun
— josh (@ruinedpicnic) March 9, 2017
roommate: are you ok? youre listening to Tori Amos...
— Lane Moore (@hellolanemoore) March 13, 2017
me: you can listen to Tori Amos & still be ok!!!
roommate: so ru ok
me: not at all
Wife: where did you get that?
— David Hughes (@david8hughes) March 14, 2017
Me [with my brand new opinion]: online
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
— HughGoesThere (@HughGoesThere) March 7, 2017
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don't actually eat marbles.
Me: I'm coming out.
My lawyer says I can't afford a lawyer.
— Frank Whitehouse (@WheelTod) March 12, 2017
Wheel of Fortune should have a 'Giant Scorpion' space on the wheel and if someone lands on it they have to fight the giant scorpion
— Jeff Wysaski (@pleatedjeans) March 14, 2017
Bumper Sticker Idea:
— James Douglass (@Jamdug) March 6, 2017
My Other Car is Another Car
WIFE: you're so fat
— Olly Dommers. (@Chumpstring) February 9, 2017
HUSBAND: [pats stomach] you know what these are?
WIFE: don't say love handles
HUSBAND: stay together for the kid handles
you can tell from the free chips offered on airlines that Frito Lay was like fuck you guys
— Dan Harmon (@danharmon) March 14, 2017
Dance like your microwave isn't watching.
— Don (@TheDairylandDon) March 14, 2017
my hip is fucked up so lately my only cardio is the rush i get from ruining everything around me at an impossibly high pace
— coriander stem #8 (@NINETIREDBUGS) March 10, 2017
"five guys"? "in-n-out"? what's next, "fuck me hard burger"???
— dan chamberlain (@amfmpm) March 10, 2017
why is father john misty nor a priest or a lemon lime beverage
— Gabby Noone (@twelveoclocke) March 6, 2017
hope my lyft driver gives me a good rating after i responded "no. i don't like to dance" then after 5 minutes of silence "i HAVE to dance"
— tara shoe (@tarashoe) March 12, 2017
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
— Tragic Ally (@TragicAllyHere) March 11, 2017
ahh documentaries, the books of tv
— Sean Casey (@seancaseytweets) March 14, 2017
You try to teach your kids well but then you hear them say "hospital truck" when an ambulance goes by and you wonder what else you forgot.
— Kristin (@FeralCrone) March 13, 2017
I love BDSM (Beautiful Dogs So Much)
— CC (@chloevcamp) March 10, 2017
[last date]
— Dustin Couch (@Dustinkcouch) March 12, 2017
ME: look at us. we made it to our last date. most couples don't make it this far :)
HER: this is a shitty way to break up w me
Sorry I said "get in the zone, Autozone" right before you ate me out
— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) March 11, 2017
[Kid does something exactly like her mom]
— Yael (@elle91) March 10, 2017
Me: Oh, wow! The apple really doesn't fall far from the [remembers she was adopted] grocery store
God: Make them strong
— The St. Louisan (@thestlouisan) December 22, 2016
Angel: Lifts 100s of lbs strong!
G: But they need to be humble
A: What if their skin cuts super easy, like with paper?
If someone starts talking to you on a train legally you have to explode into a thousand bats & disappear into the tunnel.
— Doth (@DothTheDoth) March 6, 2017
(passes ball to basketball teammate) hey can you put this in the hoop for me this guy is blocking my way
— slick (@dlicj) March 6, 2017
Dear Snapchat, I don't care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
— she's unfiltered (@MommaUnfiltered) March 13, 2017
If you must imagine an otter wearing a lil top hat, AT LEAST add a pretend chin strap so he doesn't lose it in the ocean
— Mave (@MavenofHonor) March 9, 2017
One genuinely funny prank to do is to be in a relationship with someone for years and then reveal you were never in love with them at all
— Jake Weisman (@weismanjake) March 11, 2017