This week’s tweets are a bit of a paradox unto themselves.
im very jealous of schrödingers cat in that I want to be dead but I also don't want to be dead , and boxes are fun— josh (@ruinedpicnic) March 9, 2017
roommate: are you ok? youre listening to Tori Amos...— Lane Moore (@hellolanemoore) March 13, 2017
me: you can listen to Tori Amos & still be ok!!!
roommate: so ru ok
me: not at all
Wife: where did you get that?— David Hughes (@david8hughes) March 14, 2017
Me [with my brand new opinion]: online
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.— HughGoesThere (@HughGoesThere) March 7, 2017
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don't actually eat marbles.
Me: I'm coming out.
My lawyer says I can't afford a lawyer.— Frank Whitehouse (@WheelTod) March 12, 2017
Wheel of Fortune should have a 'Giant Scorpion' space on the wheel and if someone lands on it they have to fight the giant scorpion— Jeff Wysaski (@pleatedjeans) March 14, 2017
Bumper Sticker Idea:— James Douglass (@Jamdug) March 6, 2017
My Other Car is Another Car
WIFE: you're so fat— Olly Dommers. (@Chumpstring) February 9, 2017
HUSBAND: [pats stomach] you know what these are?
WIFE: don't say love handles
HUSBAND: stay together for the kid handles
you can tell from the free chips offered on airlines that Frito Lay was like fuck you guys— Dan Harmon (@danharmon) March 14, 2017
Dance like your microwave isn't watching.— Don (@TheDairylandDon) March 14, 2017
my hip is fucked up so lately my only cardio is the rush i get from ruining everything around me at an impossibly high pace— coriander stem #8 (@NINETIREDBUGS) March 10, 2017
"five guys"? "in-n-out"? what's next, "fuck me hard burger"???— dan chamberlain (@amfmpm) March 10, 2017
why is father john misty nor a priest or a lemon lime beverage— Gabby Noone (@twelveoclocke) March 6, 2017
hope my lyft driver gives me a good rating after i responded "no. i don't like to dance" then after 5 minutes of silence "i HAVE to dance"— tara shoe (@tarashoe) March 12, 2017
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.— Tragic Ally (@TragicAllyHere) March 11, 2017
ahh documentaries, the books of tv— Sean Casey (@seancaseytweets) March 14, 2017
You try to teach your kids well but then you hear them say "hospital truck" when an ambulance goes by and you wonder what else you forgot.— Kristin (@FeralCrone) March 13, 2017
I love BDSM (Beautiful Dogs So Much)— CC (@chloevcamp) March 10, 2017
[last date]— Dustin Couch (@Dustinkcouch) March 12, 2017
ME: look at us. we made it to our last date. most couples don't make it this far :)
HER: this is a shitty way to break up w me
Sorry I said "get in the zone, Autozone" right before you ate me out— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) March 11, 2017
[Kid does something exactly like her mom]— Yael (@elle91) March 10, 2017
Me: Oh, wow! The apple really doesn't fall far from the [remembers she was adopted] grocery store
God: Make them strong— The St. Louisan (@thestlouisan) December 22, 2016
Angel: Lifts 100s of lbs strong!
G: But they need to be humble
A: What if their skin cuts super easy, like with paper?
If someone starts talking to you on a train legally you have to explode into a thousand bats & disappear into the tunnel.— Doth (@DothTheDoth) March 6, 2017
(passes ball to basketball teammate) hey can you put this in the hoop for me this guy is blocking my way— slick (@dlicj) March 6, 2017
Dear Snapchat, I don't care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.— she's unfiltered (@MommaUnfiltered) March 13, 2017
If you must imagine an otter wearing a lil top hat, AT LEAST add a pretend chin strap so he doesn't lose it in the ocean— Mave (@MavenofHonor) March 9, 2017
One genuinely funny prank to do is to be in a relationship with someone for years and then reveal you were never in love with them at all— Jake Weisman (@weismanjake) March 11, 2017