1) Trapped In The Closet
Carl, I’m not sure locking this poor girl in a closet will put you on the fast track of completing the story arc where you try to finger her in the woods. You know what? I take that back. Moody teenagers have some real self-esteem issues (source: was once a moody teenager) and tend to gravitate towards relationships where they get treated like shit. You probably should’ve just locked her in an emotional closet, but whatever, you’re still young and figuring this whole thing out. I love when Enid asks Carl what will happen if he doesn’t come back and Carl repeats her wildly stupid zombie Tumblr mantra. Carl, HOW IS SHE GOING TO JUST SURVIVE SOMEHOW IF SHE IS LOCKED IN A CLOSET? PRESUMABLY FOREVER? Hey, remember when Breaking Bad did a similar thing with Huell?
Breaking Bad was a really good show! This show should do Breaking Bad stuff more often.
2) Why Is Everyone Leaving Again?
Rick, didn’t you just tell everyone not to leave? Now you’re all leaving again! Your settlement is under imminent attack, I don’t think this strategy makes sense. This is just like that time Rick screamed at everyone to be quiet. Follow your own advice, Rick! Don’t talk about it, be about it!
And you’re leaving Father Gabriel in charge? Guess we’ve really come a long way in the last three days from him being a snitch you wouldn’t trust guarding a warm beer to a badass mercenary in charge of protecting everyone. Oh well! At least the guy has plenty of experience keeping people out of a locked door.
3) Rick Grimes: Master Negotiator
Great negotiating, Rick! “You want us to give you all of our stuff? No, you give US all of YOUR stuff. And throw your things in the mix while you’re at it!” Whenever you’re in a tense situation and weapons are involved, I find it best to ask the other person if they’re prepared for this to be their last day on earth after casually reminding them you recently killed a bunch of their friends. Really diffuses things! Then slowly back your RV up and do a six point turn to let them know you still mean business, this is textbook Power Moves 101. I’m sure that’s the last we’ll see of these bad guys and it’s going to be smooth sailing from here on out!
4) Abe’s Pregnancy Proposition
I’m 28 years old and most of the conversations I have about pregnancy specifically revolve around NOT having a kid, so I don’t know if this is normal or not. Are you supposed to turn to the woman you’ve been dating for two days and let her know you’re ready to make
pancakes a baby right here in this RV in front of everyone? Seems a bit much, pump the brakes, Abe! No, seriously. Pump the brakes, we’ve got company.
Damn. They squaded up! Rick’s squad keeps going in the wrong direction numbers wise, he should be taking squad lessons from this crew. Bitch nuts, time to put this RV down, flip it and reverse it. Surely this is the last we’ll see of these bad guys and it will be smooth sailing from here on out!
5) Walker Chain Gang
Just how much time does Negan’s crew have on their hands? This feels like an unnecessarily elaborate way to mess with Rick’s fun bunch. And putting dreadlocks on that zombie like it just got back from Zombie Spring Break and is trying out a new look? Nobody should have dreadlocks involuntarily forced on them, even in the afterlife. Alright, well I’m sure THAT is the last we’ll see of these bad guys and it will be smooth sailing from here on out! At least this time we’re moving the RV forwards instead of backwards, let’s call it a win.
6) Hair Of The Zombie
I really appreciate that after six seasons this show still finds creative ways to make super gross zombies. Good for you, team of people in charge of this task! But where do they come up with their ideas? I’m guessing they look around the world at what disgusts them most and then show up to the office and figure out how to turn that into a zombie. So if you’re dating a Walking Dead writer and your hair is constantly coming off in the shower and clogging the drain, please know they’re completely revolted and this is what they think of you. Better pack your shit and move out, you had a good run but it’s time to move on.
7) Rick’s Unconvincing Pep Talk
Rick, I’m not sure you should be talking to Maggie because it’s clear as day that you are scared out of your mind for the first time in forever and have no real plan here. “It’s gonna be OK. The baby’s gonna be OK. There’s gonna be more!” More what, exactly? More death and misery and kidnapping and murder and bad guys on the highway? How about less! Less would be a nice change of pace. Let’s put a pin in this “more” business and aim for “less” before Maggie has to deliver the baby early just so you have one more person on the team expected to kill innocents.
8) Are They Serious With This Armor?
Fellas, that armor might be helpful for a pickup game of paintball but you are in a zombie apocalypse where everybody but your tribal asses has ample access to automatic weapons. This is cute as hell, but you should upgrade to something that can actually stop a bullet instead of protecting you from a nasty spill off your BMX bike.
9) So That’s What That X Was For
So that’s what the X was for. I thought they were just spraying the dude down with AXE body spray, which seemed like cruel and unusual torture enough. Again, is all this really necessary? Chopping down a forest to block the road and hanging the X-Man? I think Rick’s gang would get the message if they were simply surrounded at gunpoint. It would certainly have been a lot quicker AND WOULD’VE LEFT SOME TIME AT THE END OF THIS EPISODE FOR A SATISFYING ENDING, SOMETHING I WILL ADDRESS AT THE END OF THIS ZOMBIE ARTICLE. Oh well! This is definitely the last we will see of these not nice dudes and the sailing will be smooth from this point forward.
10) The Perfect Plan
Great plan, team. Let’s split up, because that has proven time and time again to be a good idea. Then let’s hike through the woods, a place where bad things happen to us every time we go there. What could possibly go wrong?
Shit. There was almost no way to see that coming except by thinking about it even a little. Oh well! THIS is the last we’ll see of these guys? Smooth sailing? Here on out? I’ve got a great feeling about this.
11) The Hat Flick Heard ‘Round The World
Trevor (I played the shit out of GTA V, I’m going to call him Trevor) finally addresses the thing we’ve been thinking for seasons: Carl’s hat is dumb and should be disrespected at every available opportunity. I’m instantly on board with The Saviors; can we start over and have this show be about them instead? Also, flick Carl’s hat harder next time so it actually comes off his head. Then burn it. Then bury the ashes. Just make sure you don’t bury it in the haunted pet cemetery, it could come back to life as an even more terrible hat if such a thing is possible.
12) On Your Knees
Rick was appropriately hesitant to get on his knees. Nothing good happens when someone tells you to get on your knees. Nobody ever shouts, “ON YOUR KNEES!” and then hands you tickets to a Dodgers game and $30 for snacks. At the very best, you’re going to have to suck a gun like a dick (something I have repeatedly suggested as a good idea for this show) and more likely than not it’s going to be an actual dick in your mouth. But seriously folks, it was awesome watching Rick slowly crack over the course of this episode. He’s been on top for so long, it was cool to see him as a human being hitting a real low point for once. It’s like the cool kid who peaked in high school that you see years later working at Target. Things didn’t shake out the way you thought they would, Brent! Welcome to the real world, please point me to the aisle where I buy cheap toilet paper because things aren’t working out so great for me either.
13) Diet Negan
I don’t read the comics (I’m a nerd, but not that big of a nerd) but I still know enough about Negan to have been excited for his arrival last night. And he didn’t totally disappoint! I mean he definitely fits right in on this show as a character who loudly talks uninterrupted in the woods for seven minutes. But isn’t Negan’s whole thing using gratuitous profanity? Then here he is talking about pee pee and golly gee shucks, it feels like AMC could’ve just had him say actual naughty words and cut the audio. Instead we get Diet Negan, which doesn’t have all the full Negan flavor despite what advertising would have you believe! Oh well. At least they’re setting us up for a VERY SATISFYING ENDING AND NOT SOME KIND OF HUGE SLAP IN THE TEETH WHICH I WILL BE ADDRESSING PRESENTLY.
14) OH COME THE FUCK ON, AMC. ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS WITH THIS CLIFFHANGER BULLSHIT?!? FUCK YOU. FUCK RIGHT OFF WITH THIS NONSENSE. ALL OF YOU CAN GO FUCK YOURSELVES. FUCK.
This should have been at the top of the list, but I do this recap chronologically so sorry you had to make it this far for the most ridiculous thing we’ve ever been subjected to as fans and viewers of this show. What a pile of zombie bullshit. Let’s just move past the fact that show runners think pump-faking us on deaths is a good idea over and over AND OVER again (it’s not a good idea, it’s a bad idea). Robbing the finale of this culminating moment is garbage. All the tension that was building in this very cool episode (and season) disappears while we sit around for half a year waiting to find out who got got. And again, I don’t read the comics, but I know enough about them to know this is an iconic scene and by taking the death out of it the show runners irrevocably fucked it up. Is this really the way you want to retain viewers for the next season? Why not just make a good show that people like, which you’re already doing, and give fans something they want to see? Instead we got this nonsense which is the lowest possible rung of gimmicks to get people to tune in to the season seven premiere, something I ASSURE YOU PEOPLE WERE GOING TO WATCH ANYWAY BECAUSE THIS IS THE MOST WATCHED SHOW ON CABLE TV. Gah. And you just fucking KNOW when we get back it’s going to be a filler episode of Carol and Morgan because this show/network clearly views its audience as a commodity to be marketed to instead of a crowd to be pleased. And I suppose that’s all fine, because that’s what TV is and why it was invented, but you don’t have to be such transparent zombie dickholes about it. THAT IS ALL FOR SEASON SIX, FOLKS! It’s been a real pleasure writing about this show I like every Monday (reminder: I like this show) and I am going to miss reading all your comments (reminder: I read every single comment) and if you want to read more I’ll be writing about Fear The Walking Dead a week from today after it premieres on Sunday! See you in October!