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March 13, 2017
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Clear eyes, stomach full of cobbler, can't lose. 19 of the most ridiculous things from last night's 'The Walking Dead' S07E13 "Bury Me Here"

Previously on The Most Ridiculous Things From Last Night’s The Walking Dead…

1) Truck This

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Was all of that cabling and theatrics really necessary to secure one cantaloupe? Pretty sure the cantaloupe would be safer riding shotgun in someone’s lap or rolling around the floor like a half empty bottle of Fanta. Basically anything would’ve been better than this Home Alone meets Mouse Trap concoction they rigged in the exposed back of a rickety moving vehicle.

2) Where There’s Smoke, There’s Carol

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Sleeping is stressful, sometimes you need to take a quick smoke break. Seems like just October 19, 2015 Carol was cautioning town folk about the dangers of cigarette smoke. NOW SHE IS SMOKING CIGARETTES! Glad I was sitting down for this well-paced and thought out character development. Sound off in the comments if you’ve been reading these recaps since October 19, 2015. I know I sure haven’t.

3) Morgan The Mentor

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Morgan’s really living his best life. Hosting a Ninja Turtles themed birthday party in a gazebo for a kid with no friends. This code thing is working out great for Morgan. Glad he’s taking time out of his day to make sure this kid grows up to be just like him.

4) Carol Climbing A Tree To Kill Five Zombies With A Street Sign Set To Weird Music

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Smoking cigarettes is stressful, sometimes you need to take a quick break and climb up a tree with a street sign to stab some zombies in the head with weird music (the music in this season is SO STRANGE, you guys) playing in the background. And then Steve Oilyhair has the audacity to asks if she’s OK. Uh, dude, are you OK? SHE JUST CLIMBED UP INTO A GOT DANG TREE WITH A STREET SIGN SO AS TO USE IT TO STAB ZOMBIE SKULLS. NOTHING ABOUT ANY OF THAT IS OK. ALSO YOU ARE WEARING BMX ARMOR LIKE IT’S CLOTHES, THAT IS THE MOST NOT OK.

5) Morgan Is So Useless This Season

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Let’s revisit this direct quote from cable’s most popular show last night: “What was said between you and him was said between you and him.” Wow, Morgan. What a wonderfully helpful thing to contribute to this conversation between old friends. Why is Morgan completely worthless this season? Like what does he ACTUALLY stand for besides being grumpy and speaking gibberish? He’s a goddamn toddler, you guys. I think Morgan may have Freaky Friday brain-swapped with Judith a season and a half ago and nobody can tell the difference.

6) Why Does King Ezekiel Insist On Talking Like Your Co-Worker Jeff Doing A Bad Impression Of Prince Akeem From ‘Coming To The America’ In The Break Room

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I like Coming To America as much as the next guy. Shit, y’all. I might even like Coming To America MORE than the next guy! There, I finally said it. But let’s leave Prince Akeeming to the experts. Also, I know the CGI tiger looks fake as hell but unlike the CGI balloons and deer and piles of trash I actually get the practical applications of not filming scenes three feet away from a living tiger. I went to college and earned a useless media studies degree, one of my classes was mostly about why you SHOULD NOT incorporate live tigers into your shoots whenever possible. It’s dangerous, my professor said. Why? Because you might just fall in love, truly the biggest danger of all. I can’t prove anything, but I’m pretty sure my professor used to fuck tigers.

7) This Lady Pissing Herself In Regards To The Tiger Is Finally The Correct Response

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Finally! A human acting like a human on this show, besides the fact that she’s talking like a inspirational quilt you bought on Etsy that was brought to life then decided to wear itself as a hat. Maybe EVERYONE has been peeing in their pants this whole time and just not talking about it? Hey, remember when Billy Madison peed his pants?

That was such a great scene in the movie, definitely the turning point for Billy and Veronica’s relationship. If gratuitous 90’s movie references in a recap about a zombie show is cool, consider me Herbie Hancock.

8) Morgan’s New Wall Art Just Made The Wall Worse

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It’s the end of the world as we know it (and I feel good) but you can still roll the dice in the housing market and lose. Like this very ugly defaced velvet painting. Putting this ugly mess on the wall actually drove the property value DOWN three bugs and a bottle cap. The bottle cap market really took a dive this year! Hope it rebounds, let’s make bottle caps great again.

9) Morgan Cocking A Gun During This Conversation About How He Needs To Be OK With Killing Leads Me To Believe He Is Still OK With Killing

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Bravo, writers! You have done it again. Morgan preparing a loaded weapon to murder was all the subtle hinting I needed during this scene about how he will one day need to be OK with killing again to clue me into the idea that he might, in fact, be OK with taking someone’s life.

10) Enjoy Jerry (And His Cobbler) While He Lasts, Because He Is Almost Certainly Going To Die This Season

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As has been previously discussed in these very bad recaps, Jerry is too pure for this world and fans enjoy him too much so he’s going to die. I’m guessing it happens at the episode before the season finale. He’ll be joining T-Dog at the great Spaghetti Tuesday in the sky. I’m gonna miss you, dude!

11) This Arrow Made Of Shopping Carts Seems To Be A Trap, And Yet Let’s Follow The Arrow Made Of Shopping Carts

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These guys are so bad at this, how are they still alive? Everyone is holding their low-ammo guns sideways and using military terms they don’t understand like 9-year-old’s playing Call Of Duty, except some of those 9-year-old’s are actually pretty good.

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Damn. Same tbh.

12) TFW You Realize Your Life Is Worth One Cantaloupe

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It’s almost as if this bicycle armor doesn’t stop bullets.

Being a teenager is tough. You have oily hair and you need to make your brother respect you while wearing BMX armor like it’s a normal thing to wear and sometimes you get fatally shot at a supply drop gone wrong. We were all there! But even when you wish you would drop dead on an old lady’s cottage table that smells of cigarettes and sweaters, you don’t ACTUALLY want to drop dead on an old lady’s cottage table that smells of cigarettes and sweaters. Like eating a meatball sub in bed or masturbating in traffic, the fantasy is almost always better than the reality. I like how THE SECOND he mumble quotes one of Morgan’s only coherent lines from his podcast Gazebo Chat With Morgan (tagline: “Stick around for more Gazebo Chat With Morgan!”) everyone stops trying to save this young oily child’s life. You learned a lesson! Congrats, dude! Why bother saving you when clearly you’ve already been saved by Morgan’s wise gazebo words?

13) Mad Man

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Wandering around suburbia like a crazy person? NOW THAT’S WHAT I CALL MORGAN, VOLUME 1! This was fun. This takes me back to a simpler time when Morgan actually stood for something, even if that something was just being completely insane and saying clear over and over. I’m glad his bout of madness culminated in a bit of soccer sleuthing! Soccer sleuthing is how all the greats solve mysteries. Agatha Christie said it best: “When you’re stuck on a case, kick a box. There’s probably a cantaloupe under that bad boy.”

14) He Threw A Look And Didn’t Get Killed, The Saviors Are Fake News

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Telling someone to take a walk on a nice day is not the same as killing them. Negan specifically told Negan that if he shot Negan one look he would kill Negan right where Negan was standing. And then Negan shot a look at Negan and Negan didn’t kill Negan. That shit is FAKE. ASS. NEWS. YOU. GUYS. This is how I will get around learning new character names from now on, btw. I think it’s creating more problems than it solves.

15) Stupid Smash, Bro

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Jesus Christ on a cracker, Morgan. There’s a happy medium between not killing at all and viciously murdering your friends to death in front of your enemies.

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MORGAN! Don’t tell them the whole plan! This is 2017, I thought we covered the whole snitching thing years ago. You are supposed to STOP snitching, not do a goatload of it.

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Who knew this genius’ perfect scheme fueled by rage and revenge was doomed to fail? Hatched in his forest trailer of tears while staring at a dead girl’s backpack, it seemed destined to go exactly as planned and reach the desired result with no major hiccups. Alright Morgan, do the right thing. Rest your nuts on his face and shove the world’s biggest hunting knife into his brain. Then drag his corpse around town. That’s what friends are for.

16) This Backpack Is Probably How His Kid Got Killed

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I didn’t go to any fancy Dad College, and to the best of my knowledge I am not a father (sound off in the comments if I’m your dad, I’m down to connect but I’m not financially able to provide for you right now, I spend most of my money on light bulbs that change colors in my apartment, I control them with Siri, it’s so cool) but EVEN I AM AWARE you do not put your kid’s name on stuff they wear! It makes it SUPER EASY for a zombie to walk up behind them, say their name, and they turn around because kids are dumb as hell, and then they eat your kid! Honestly, your kid deserves to get eaten by a zombie if their name is on their backpack.

17) The Truth, The Whole Truth, And Zombie But The Truth

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Did Morgan really knock on Carol’s death cottage with his blood stick? Gross, dude! Did you even WIPE your blood stick? At least spit on it first! Sorry about that. Wish there was a way to delete that joke, but I already wrote it. Alright, Morgan. Time to come clean.

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“They turned Glenn and Abe’s brains into forest spaghetti. But wait, there’s more. They killed Doctor Lady. And Bozo Son. And they cut Gazebo Chat With Morgan by twenty minutes! I can’t even get into my thing on a forty minute podcast!”

The truth hurts, but it’s also a powerful motivating factor. Now that Carol knows they cut Gazebo Chat With Morgan by twenty minutes, she will stop at nothing to avenge those twenty minutes. They were the best minutes! Those minutes were the whole reason folks would stick around. Nobody is safe now. Nobody.

18) Oh, Shit. They’re Growing Weed In The Kingdom! Very Chill

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A lot of things are different in the zombie apocalypse, but one thing that will never change is the bottomless well of motivation stoners have to find new ways of putting as much marijuana directly into your brain as quickly as possible. So it makes sense that they’re making barrel bongs in The Kingdom. It’s always 4:20 somewhere, bros! (I know they were burning crops in the barrels, but still feel free to jump in the comments and tell me I don’t watch the show. Maybe you need to chill out and smoke some barrel weed if you’re leaving comments like this every week. I read all the comments, btw.)

19) Morgan Caught Hacking Off

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Look back at it, Morgan. It’s OK. You can keep hacking off, we like to watch. Looks like someone is sharpening their stick! Probably so he can dip it in ink and write an extremely boring book about goat milk and pacifism. TUNE IN NEXT WEEK! Will more actors continue to have their faces covered in blood? Absolutely. It’s the hottest season 7 trend (heard it here first) and then they’ll wash a sliver of it off with a single tear streak which is the second hottest season 7 trend. Will we learn more about Katy? Probably not, but you WILL get an update on the Katie Danza storyline I’ve been reporting on here regarding whether or not I will have lunch with my friend Katie! We saw each other at a party over the weekend, she’s extremely fascinated by this whole thing. Will Ezekiel continue his AMAZING eye acting?!?

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EYE’D say it’s looking extremely likelEYE! Sorry about that, I wish I could delete it but I was already done typing. NONE OF THIS AND MORE on S07E14 of The Walking Dead!

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