This week’s tweets are due literally any day now.
Can't wait to have this baby so I can start the next chapter of my life -getting sucked into a pyramid scheme on Facebook— Jess (@jessokfine) February 12, 2017
If Oklahoma lawmakers want to call pregnant women "hosts" they better call childbirth "vaginal t-shirt cannon" or I'm writing a stern letter— Anne Wheaton (@AnneWheaton) February 14, 2017
Crying girl: he had sex with his coworker— derek (@eedrk) February 15, 2017
Me: ah, me too. Not with his co worker, just saying I've had sex before. Anyway, continue
Leading causes of death among men:— liVsy (@liv_thatsme) February 14, 2017
1. Heart attacks
3. Getting their wives a gym membership for Valentine's Day
What would the national deficit look like if we, as a country, agreed to stop wasting time and money on making cole slaw?— penjamin. (@upsidedowntrash) February 12, 2017
MORGAN FREEMAN: These jokes with me as narrator are tired. Wish they’d stop.— REW (@therealeatwood) February 14, 2017
MORGAN FREEMAN (V.O.): But they did not stop
MF: OK, what the
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.— markydoodoo (@markydoodoo) February 12, 2017
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*— Alexa (@TheWoodenslurpy) June 9, 2016
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max... my son.
Today is gonna be the day that they're gonna throw it back to you pic.twitter.com/qCoF30eEWK— Sean Leahy (@thepunningman) February 7, 2017
It's my seventeen year anniversary of forgetting I left a Diet Coke in the freezer of the work fridge of a temp job I had for one day.— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) February 13, 2017
Only $1150 to transfer your migraine to a dog pic.twitter.com/hG1eOcSIjN— Colin Stokes (@ColinJStokes) February 15, 2017
25 yrs ago in 4th grade I found a note on my school desk. Valentine? No, a note from a mom asking if I want to see Wayne's World w/ her son.— Paul Rust (@paulrust) February 14, 2017
MACGYVER'S WIFE: it's too late for that. Just stop— huntigula (@huntigula) February 15, 2017
MACGYVER: [sobbing uncontrollably trying to fix their marriage w/ string & a paper clip]
*wrestling buddy*— infinity plus one (@stuckinaportal) September 14, 2016
this is so fake
*he punches me*
it's just make-believe
*we get married*
[after the wheel is invented]— Wylde de Beest (@flashember) February 16, 2017
Cave Wife: is everything ok?
Caveman who invented the squarebarrow: no, Thelma. The business is going under.
Celine Dion is the lovechild of a swan and thunder.— Louis Virtel (@louisvirtel) February 13, 2017
I have a friend that insisted on dressing up like a clown for his family pic back when he was like 8 and it's my favorite picture ever pic.twitter.com/LtAjhbs1wh— Leslie M.R (@Lejlie) February 13, 2017
Don't cry over spilled milk. Cry just because— brian essbe (@SortaBad) February 12, 2017
Oscar prediction: he'll continue to live in that garbage can and be generally unpleasant.— Jack The Jew (@okimstillhungry) January 23, 2017
Do you have a hot neighbor & you want to stalk inconspicuously. Trampoline.— jj hartinger (@jjhartinger) February 14, 2017
Pediatrician: I'd like to discuss your son's limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.— JenniFerCryinOutLoud (@sip_at_home_mom) January 9, 2017
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time— chuuch (@ch000ch) February 4, 2017
You either die a hero, or live long enough to see yourself use phrases like "circle back" and "touch base" at work— Patrick Monahan (@pattymo) February 10, 2017
Oh nothing, just waiting for the Xanax to kick in you cock sucker, bastard, fuckface, sunshine, stars, rainbows, oh wait...there it is.— Cheeks (@AverageCorners) June 12, 2016
*my phone buzzes*— Drunk Duck (@druuuck) February 16, 2017
ME: not the bees again
WIFE: dummy, your phone is on vibrate *hands it to me*
BEES (on phone): you never call us back
Wife: Wake up I think someone broke in downstairs— Yab Kat (@yab_kat) February 13, 2017
Wife: Yeah, want to go check?
Me: No I trust you
I just yelled "YANKING ON THE DICK!" so loud all the birds in the neighborhood flew away pic.twitter.com/tDvNpAvxoR— Kevin (@Ginjerk) February 14, 2017