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December 16, 2013

Practice makes perfect when it comes to making love.

For nearly two decades, I've been teaching men around the world how to sexually please their wives, girlfriends, or, in my case, one-night stands. I've slept with thousands of women, treating each of their bodies like it's the last one on Earth. Many have called me a "Body Connoisseur." I understand that not all men can afford my seminar, so I've decided to share my five key steps free of charge right here. I must warn you, though: You won’t be a master over night. Practice makes perfect when it comes to making love.

Step 1: Using Your Tongue

Your tongue is a wildly powerful tool. After undoing your partner’s bra, begin slowly licking around the nipple, alternating between the left and right breast. Then without lifting your tongue from her body, move it down to her southern region. Once down there, gently blow on her inner thigh. This will make her shiver with delight. Remove her underwear with your mouth and insert your tongue into her OH SHIT, I'M GONNA CUM I SWEAR THIS NEVER HAPPENS FUCK AHHHH I'M CUMMING I'M CUMMING.

Step 2: Using Your Hands

Oftentimes, I will whisper to my lover, “My hands are your hands.” The woman will then take my hands and put them anywhere on her body. If you aren’t this advanced yet, simply caress your partner’s breast with one hand while squeezing her butt with the other. Then when you’re ready, move down to her southern region and insert two fingers FUCK NOT AGAIN I LOVE YOU I’M SO SORRY I’M SO SORRY I JUST CAME.

Step 3: Missionary Position

Many assume that you have to try bizarre positions in order to please your lady. Don’t worry, I was an amateur once too. Hehe. Here’s a little tip: Embrace the missionary position. By simply getting on top of your partner’s naked body and inserting your member into her southern I CAME.

Step 4: The Clitoris

The clitoris most definitely exists AHHHH, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, ERRRRRR, BREATHE JUST BREATHE THERE YOU GO. OK, you’ll want to move your thumb toward her southern region HERE I CUM. I’M CUMMING EVERYWHERE I NEED A TOWEL.

Step 5: 69

It’s not for everyone, but this position is a definite lady-pleaser. Once she begins to take off her underwear NO PLEASE GOD JUST KEEP IT IN FOR ONE MORE I FINISHED DSXDADADDZZWEZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZDEZ [SNORING].