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October 25, 2017

Never do anything again!

It’s common knowledge that the hardest thing about plans is weaseling your way out of them at the last minute. Well with these 10 foolproof excuses, you’ll get out of any commitment, from a simple lunch date to your own wedding, and nobody will be able to fault you.


Claim You Have To Spend The Night In Your Uncle’s Haunted Mansion In Accordance To His Will

Nobody will call you out on this, because we’ve all been there. You can also use this several times by replacing “uncle” with “aunt” or “grandpa” or “guy I met at Best Buy.”

Say You’re Being Watched By The FBI

Tell whoever set up the plans that you’re currently under suspicion for a crime (treason or grand larceny are both good, believable crimes) and the FBI is following your every move, which would ruin the outing. If they call your bluff, commit a crime (again, treason or grand larceny are both good and easy to commit) so the FBI actually does start watching you.


“I’ve Never Existed.”

Get out of anything by being adamant on the fact that you have never existed and thus could never have made plans to begin with, let alone go anywhere to do them. Santa Claus uses this one a lot, so you know it’s solid.

Tell People Your Cousins Are Visiting

The beautiful thing about cousins is that nobody can possibly know how many you have. Every time you need to get out of something, just say your cousins from a different place are in town and you have to show them around. Ex: “I can’t hang out, my cousins from Egypt are visiting.” “Sorry, I can’t go to the movies, I gotta look after my cousins from a different part of Egypt than the last cousins I told you about.” “No, I can’t play board games, I’m busy listening to my French cousins tell me a crazy story about how they’re actually from Egypt.”


“Nic Cage Won’t Leave My House.”

Nobody will blame you for not wanting to leave your house when Nic Cage is there. The second that guy gets alone with a stranger’s house, he’s yelling at objects, breaking pictures, and planning sequels to The Sorcerer’s Apprentice.
WARNING: This excuse won’t work if you’re Nic Cage.


Explain That You’re In Arcade Fire And Have To Practice

There’s like 12 people in that band, so nobody really knows who exactly is in it, not even the real band members. If asked about what instrument you play, say all of them.


“There’s Spiders On All of My Clothes.

Give them two options: one, you meet them covered in spiders, or two, you go out spider-free, but extremely naked. They’ll say no to both, allowing you to stay home and Nic Cage-proof your house.

Say You’re Not Close Enough Friends To Do That

This works well, even with family members. If you dad asks you to go with him to your grandpa’s funeral, just explain that while you’ve known your dad for many years, you still don’t know him well enough to go to a funeral with him and you definitely don’t know your grandpa, whoever that is, well enough to go to his funeral.


Say You’re In The Middle of a Break-Up

Nobody wants to hang out with you if they think you’re dealing with a break-up, especially not your girlfriend or boyfriend.


“Fuck No!”

This works all of the time.