1) That Twizzler Would Be So Gross And Stale By Now

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Aaaaand. We. Are. BACK! Welcome to season 8, folks! I’m glad they took time out of the last supply run to stock up on stale candy. We are 100 episodes in to the zombie apocalypse which means we’re about 50 episodes past a point in time when you’d still want that Twizzler in your mouth. The dead are walking the earth and chewing on that rock hard Twizzler is still the grossest thing I’ve ever seen on this show.

2) Rick’s Latest Rambling Speech About The Way Things Are Now

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Rick doesn’t disappoint with one of his signature rambling shout speeches about nothing in particular. Because people have to listen to you when you’ve got a machine gun. “I found Jesus. He told me about a world. It’s a small world, after all. And when you’re right, you’re right. And if our rights are wrong, I don’t want to be alright alright alright.” Then he declares that people who take and kill have no place in this world. And if anyone tries that crap he’s going to take all their shit and kill them. Also ZERO celebrations! Ugh, then what are we supposed to do with all the extra balloons, Rick?! Then Ezekiel has to start talking about this and thou and doth like this is bad community theater, because people also have to listen to you when you’ve got a tiger. And then Maggie talks too? OK, three speeches? That’s too many speeches. The more speeches delivered at an event, the less important it is. My high school graduation they let any student get up there and say whatever they wanted. It took three and a half hours and was the most pointless shit I’ve ever been to.

3) Arrow Chats With Daryl And Dwight

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Watching Daryl and Dwight using arrows to communicate with each other is the best. I don’t know what the green lighting process is at AMC for spinoff shows, but I need Arrow Chats With Daryl & Dwight yesterday.

4) Weird Al Yanko-Rick

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Is this Rick’s fantasy? To be an old man in bed listening to Weird Al? Huh. Damn. Never realized we had so much in common.

5) Carl Still Needs A Haircut

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Carl continues to have the worst haircut on TV in the history of both haircuts and also TV. Just how bad is Carl’s haircut? That absurd hat he wears is still not the dumbest shit on his head. And there’s a lesson here for sure: Get a decent haircut or you’re going to wind up working at a gas station. Hey, sounds like Carl has a new friend!

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Uh…they threw microwaves at you? At a certain point, getting hit with a microwave is more on you than the person who throws it. Those things are not exactly difficult to dodge.

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Rick Grimes out of nowhere! Get that shit out of here, hungry dude! Rick heard what he had to say, Carl. Most of it. He skimmed it, OK? He got the gist and shot his gun, that’s how Ricky G handles biz.

6) Murder He Wrote

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Making a list is a helpful way to get things done. Whether that’s running errands, going shopping, or picking off your enemies one by one. In this case, it looks like they’re doing a little bit of each of those.

7) “It’s One Person Who Brought It To This”

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Yes. You’re right, Rick. One person brought it to this. And that man’s name? Rick “Kill ‘Em All And We’ll Sort The Details At Some Point Maybe Don’t Hassle Me” Grimes.

8) Hey Judith

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Hey, everybody! It’s Judith! Great to see you. They grow up so fast, she’s really starting to look like her dad Shane. OK, cool! See you again in seven episodes. Have fun, but not too much fun! Don’t stay up past 10 and no shooting automatic weapons. You know the rules, little lady.

9) “This Is The End Of It”

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Something about the fact that this is the first episode of the season would lead me to believe this is, in fact, not the end of it. Unless “All Out War” means sitting around high fiving for 15 episodes, which would still be better than all of the bullshit on the farm in season two.

10) I’ve Got A Bad Feeling About This

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This operation does not look like it’s built to succeed. BMX armor and sheet metal might protect you from a strong breeze, but that’s about it. But the only thing worse than their chances of survival are these riveting conversations they’re having. “You just met me? We all just met each other!” “You’re praying! Yeah I pray now. Praying is my shit.” “Sternum sternum sternum. If I say ‘sternum’ three times, a sternum appears. Beetlejuice rules.” Oh god, kill me now. Put a bullet in my head and use me as a shield on the battlefield, just make this small talk stop.

11) Tara’s Zombie Freeway Math

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You guys, it’s not Tara’s fault she was off by seven seconds with this completely insane and made up Zombie Freeway Math. Usually when she does Zombie Freeway Math she’s chewing on Red Vines but all they could scare up when they raided the movie theater on the last supply run was a pallet of Twizzlers. The Red Vines give her all her Zombie Freeway Math powers, it’s amazing she was able to get that close at all.

12) RV Face Is My New Favorite Character

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That RV thinks its people! Needless to say, RV Face is my new favorite character. RV Face, a fan favorite from the comics, is bold and compelling and also dynamic. But most importantly? You never know what RV Face is going to do next! Looking forward to many years of adventures with RV Face and the highly anticipated spinoff web series Steer The Walking Dead.

13) Rick Gets Older, They Stay The Same Age

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How is it possible that Rick Grimes has aged twenty years and walks with a cane and everyone else looks exactly the same? Pretty sure Michonne got younger.

14) Negan Telling Rick They Both Know Negan’s Dick Is Bigger

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Negan adds insult to injury here, first telling Rick he was “in a meeting” which is the lamest excuse in the book of lame excuses. Then telling Rick they both know Negan has a bigger dick. But considering Rick’s holding a gun and Negan is holding a bat I’m going to have to side with Negan on this whole dick size issue.

15) Rick’s Name Game

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People like it when you know their names. They really respond to it. Even if you’re threatening their lives? Especially if you’re threatening their lives! Hey, Rick. Do you want to maybe take a break from roll call to shoot Negan in the middle of his face? Because this seems like a prime opportunity. No? Just want to keep doing the name thing? Sure. Whatever you say, boss.

16) Gregory Is Still The Worst

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Ugh. Gregory. The worst. This guy sucks so much. They cannot kill his bitch ass soon enough. The fact that he thinks anyone at Hilltop still cares what he says would be cute if it wasn’t so stupid. Let’s hear what Jesus has to say about this.

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“All I have at the Hilltop are a bunch of old books and a lobster bib.”

OK, and that would be stupid if it wasn’t so cute. Later, G-Man! Why don’t you talk to these stairs?

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That was so incredibly satisfying and I had no idea how much I needed to see Gregory get pushed down a flight of stairs until it happened.

17) Rick’s Counting Game

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Rick’s name game worked so well, time to do some counting!

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“And a-one, and a-two, and a PEW PEW PEW PEW PEW!”

That’s definitely not how the counting game works, but it finally got Rick shooting so I have no real complaints here.

18) Daryl’s Million Zombie March

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Daryl starts by taking a refreshing sip from his canteen, because it’s important to hydrate before you lead a horde of zombies on your motorcycle while you blow shit up with a gun you stole. Daryl should give Rick some shooting lessons. You’re supposed to use the bullets in your gun to shoot at targets and destroy them. Rick must’ve missed that day of gun school.

19) RIP RV Face (2017 - 2017)

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Gone but not forgotten, RV Face will live on in our hearts forever and definitely contributed more in twenty minutes than Lori did in three seasons.

20) Rick’s Photo Opportunity

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Hey, Rick. Remember when you specifically said no celebrating? I’m pretty sure taking a Polaroid of your enemy’s demise counts as a celebration! It’s quite honestly the most celebratory thing you could’ve done in this moment. OK, time to take that thing back to show folks. Instagram doesn’t exist yet, so just show everyone the picture and count your likes and comments manually.

21) Why Would Father Gabriel Try To Save That Scumbag?

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The only thing Father Gabriel should’ve done with his car in this particular situation is hit the gas pedal and point the business end at Gregory’s dick. Let’s see if his good will pays off. It sure does! For Gregory! Who steals his car and drives away. There was almost no way to see that coming except for by thinking about it even a little for half a second.

22) Father Gabriel Forgot To Wear His Shitting Pants

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Ugh. Isn’t that just the worst? When you forget to wear your shitting pants on the ONE DAY you’re supposed to wear your shitting pants? Also, doesn’t seem like Negan to leave his door unlocked. But I guess everyone makes mistakes. Like Father Gabriel not realizing he is HOLDING A GUN and the other guy in the room HAS A BAT. Gun beats bat 100% of the time. TUNE IN NEXT WEEK! Will Carl’s new friend appreciate the food? He better, Carl even wrote him a note on a page of the Quaran. Were any Savior’s hit by the 50,000 bullets Rick’s gang unleashed? No, but plenty of windows were destroyed. And those windows have families! Will we see more of Rick’s thrilling dream sequence? There’s a big owl statue involved, so let’s fucking hope not. None of this and more on S08E02 of The Walking Dead!


EDITOR’S NOTE: As some of you may be aware, I’ve also started making a video version of this article! You can watch it below. I know some of you have been reading these very average recaps for years, and you fear change and hate videos also don’t want to hear my dumb voice, so I will continue writing the articles for you guys. But there’s also a good amount of folks out there who will never read anything ever, and hopefully these new videos deliver my exceedingly OK zombie jokes to them. I’m going to work to get the video out by noon PST the Monday after episodes air and the classic article versions up by 2pm PST. And the articles will probably always have sections and jokes that got cut from the video for time. You can find both on my Funny Or Die channel page. Thanks byeeeeee see you next Monday!

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