1) Burning Man

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Nick is burning all these bunk crops just trying to huff enough fumes to get faded.

2) Flash Back To Reality

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This investigative reporter is asking all the hard-hitting questions about what the hell happened that we, the viewers, are also wondering. Al gave them incomplete Zombie Mapquest directions to the bad guys. Nick says she doesn’t understand the situation here. And he’s right. None of us do, shit sucks ass.

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Aaaand now Nick is yelling about the way things are now. We are approaching a Nick Grimes crossover!

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A brief scuffle ensues …

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Aaaaaand THE RICH HISTORY OF CRASHING CARS IN THE WALKING DEAD UNIVERSE WHEN THERE IS NOBODY AROUND FOR MILES CONTINUES. It’s now happened in 66% of the episodes this season.

3) Aaand We’re Back!

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To everyone’s favorite show This Baseball Farm Sucks. Madison is going on a run and Nick wants to help because you never know when you’re going to find some heroin.

4) Aaaaaaaaaand We’re Back!

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To everyone’s OTHER favorite show Fuck This Truck. The gang needs to tow a truck for a mission out of a ditch. So we’re officially scraping the bottom of the most boring parts of Grand Theft Auto barrel.

5) Left Behind

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Morgan’s going to stay behind with Nick’s handcuffed ass and talk to him about Tabatha the goat. It’s going to be a loooong talk.

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He shows Nick a sign of good faith by removing those handcuffs. Then whoops his ass with a stick to show him he’s a ninja. He’s showing him lots of things.

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Nick asks if he likes peanut butter, which is dumb because it’s a ham-fisted reference to The Walking Dead but also who the fuck doesn’t like peanut butter? EVERYONE likes peanut butter. Even kids who are deathly allergic are constantly wondering if they should roll the dice one time just to get a taste.

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Nick’s about to get caught up on eight whole seasons of crazy.

6) Lay Low

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Morgan sees trouble, and warns Nick to low. So naturally he slaps his hobbled ass around, leans on the horn, and makes a run for it in the direction of danger armed with only a hammer. Way to take advice, bud.

7) “We Don’t Know How This Ends”

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Strand is right. The people writing this show most certainly do not know how it ends. Or if there will be anyone around to watch it when it’s done. Except my dumb ass who is literally on vacation right now in Mexico (¡hola!) but still waking up early to write about this zombie show before I hit the beach. BECAUSE I CARE ABOUT YOU, MY AUDIENCE, UNLIKE SOME PEOPLE.

8) Blue Man Group

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Nick finds some blue plants … the ones from the theme song … and pauses to see if he can shove them up his ass and maybe get a little high.

9) Madison’s Really Talking About Ravioli Billboards And Armadillos Right Now

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What the fuck is this show.

10) Help!

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Who knew Nick’s plan to take on the many zombies a horn attracts with a hammer wouldn’t work out so great?

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Morgan’s right. He loses people. Look at how fast he lost all those people! A new Morgan record.

11) Scoop-De-Whooped

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Too late, Madison and Nick! Y'all got SCOOPED. Madison and Nick are getting scooped for supplies on their run by a lame-o with a mustache and a 10 year old girl with a walkie talkie. Maybe they deserve to die if that’s who’s besting them.

12) COME ON, NICK. IT IS NOT KARATE!!!!

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It’s some stuff he learned from a guy in the woods with a goat! Huge difference! Show a little respect.

13) Feeling Way Too Horny

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OH MY GOD THIS CONVERSATION IS ANNOYING ENOUGH BUT TO HAVE IT ALL HAPPEN WITH THE VAN HORN SO CLOSE I AM GOING TO SHIT IN MY PANTS. OK COMMERCIAL BREAK. THANK GOODNESS! AND THEN A NEW SCENE, AFTER THE COMMERCIAL BREAK, WITH THE CAR HORN. EVEN WHEN IT FADES OUT, IT’S STILL VERY MUCH THERE! CAR HORN IS MY LEAST FAVORITE NEW CHARACTER. BECAUSE YOU ALWAYS KNOW WHAT CAR HORN WILL DO NEXT. AND IT IS NOT BOLD OR COMPELLING OR DYNAMIC IN THE SLIGHTEST. MY FACE HURTS HEARING IT. OWWWWWW.

14) Family Reunion

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Nothing like a trip to church to bring a mother and son together for a very unsettling and certainly ominous flashback.

15) Nick Grimes

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We’ve reached full Nick Grimes with this bloody dimly lit revenge murder that’s been brewing for less than one full episode and over some shit we still don’t totally know about. I’m just glad Nick finally got the peace and closure he’s been seeking for 37 minutes. It’s going to be all smiles for this dude from here on out!

16) Morgan’s Convincing Speech About Not Being Crazy

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“I know you just killed a man, but it’s never too late! I met a guy once. With a goat. He taught me stick fighting. Here’s a tiny book. I swear I’m not crazy.”

17) Damn, Woman. How Many Tapes Do You Have?

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And which one of these is actually just porn with some sticker like “Somber mechanic discusses early childhood in Omaha” to throw off anyone digging through your tapes? I actually wouldn’t be surprised if these things are like 85% porn, Al seemed way too concerned for a couple of shitty interviews of people rambling about their last supply run.

18) RIP Nick

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Damn.

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Nick got popped.

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That’s what happens when you look at the flowers, dude! Aaaand he’s gone to the great heroin den in the sky. Never to be seen from again, except for the dozens of flashbacks we will be forced to endure for the remainer of this season. Here’s one right now!

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TUNE IN NEXT WEEK! Will the gang catch up to that little girl Charlie? Yes! Then they’re going to make her wear a Sherrif’s hat, lose an eye, then call her Charl Grimes. Will Morgan ever convince people he’s not crazy? Just a few more stick waves and I’m sure they’ll agree with his outlook on his personal sanity. Will we ever find out what happened to Madison? I’m sure she’s fine! We’re definitely not slowly uncovering her death through a full season of flashbacks or anything, that would be stupid as hell. NONE OF THIS AND MORE! Next time on S04E04 of Fear The Walking Dead.

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