Always tip your waiter. 15% of the cost of your meal is considered standard, but you can lower or raise that number based on the service. If your waiter is amazing and helpful, a 25% tip could be deserved. If your waiter is slow, rude, eats half of the steak you ordered and then says “That’s just how steaks look, dude” while pieces of steak drop out of his mouth, and during the meal he hits on both your mom and dad, but neglects to hit on you, a 10% tip may be in order.
Always tip your bartender. A dollar for a normal drink and perhaps two dollars for a fancy cocktail is expected. If they do any cool tricks where they juggle liquor bottles and flip glasses in the air, tip them by reminding them this isn’t a circus. Sometimes they forget.
Always tip your movers. If someone is lugging all of your precious belongings from one home to another, they deserve a little extra gratuity. There’s no hard and fast rule, but I normally plan on tipping $200 spread among all the movers and then subtract $10 every time they break something of mine, $20 every time they lose something, and $100 every time put on my clothes and try to convince me that I’m the mover and they’re the customers.
Always tip your valet. They make sure your car is handled safely while being parked, so throwing them a few dollars makes sense. If one of the valets steals your car, give the money you would’ve tipped him to another one of the valets. They’ll appreciate it and probably give you the keys to someone else’s car.
Always tip Arcade Fire. A lot of people don’t know this, but rock bands are actually only paid $2.15 an hour and rely on our tips in order to make ends meet. With 6 main members and often many touring musicians joining them, Arcade Fire needs our tips even more than other musical acts. Make sure you give the tip money to the band directly. If you give it to the concert venue, they’ll just spend it on insurance for their employees.
Always tip delivery people. They bring food to you so you don’t have to go out to an expensive restaurant and then tip a valet, bartender, and waiter. Allow the delivery driver to take any one thing from your house as a tip. Sure, they may take an expensive lamp or your son’s medication, but they could also take that cursed mirror off your hands, the one that prevents its owner from having a healthy son!
Always tip the police. Maintaining law and order and keeping citizens safe is hard work and deserves a reward. Whenever you deal with the police, whether they’re helping you out or arresting you for stealing someone’s car with the help of some valets, hand the officers some money. If they ask if it’s a bribe, remember that in cop lingo, “bribe” means “tip,” so say yes.
Your Barber or Hair Stylist
NEVER tip your barber or hair stylist. They don’t deserve it. You look terrible.