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March 24, 2016
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"A gentleman's skin always feels like the surface of a pool."

Every man hopes to be considered a gentleman, but that distinction doesn’t come easy. While the ways to become one are mysterious and every man must take a different path, here are 20 things we do know for certain about gentlemen that could perhaps guide one on their journey.

  • A gentleman never says “bless you” or “gesundheit."A gentleman always says "I’m sorry about your sneeze.”
  • A gentleman always has cashews in his pocket to offer children.
  • A gentleman never cums during wartime.
  • A gentleman never tells anyone about anything, even by accident.
  • A gentleman only steers the boat with his left hand, leaving his right to sort through his beard.
  • If a gentleman accidentally likes a tweet, he does not undo it, but suffers his accident in silence.
  • A gentleman will never ask you to look up at the ceiling, but will happily take credit for its lush pastoral murals if you should happen to look up on your own.
  • A gentleman will wait until the third date to reveal his theories on 9/11.
  • A gentleman always excuses himself before he climaxes.
  • A gentleman will die if not planted deep enough.
  • A gentleman never forgets an elephant.
  • A gentleman will only eat fruit privately.
  • A gentleman’s skin always feels like the surface of a pool.
  • A gentleman carries with him a hollow cane filled with only the fanciest of spiders.
  • A gentleman never calls the moon a “dirty Jew banker,” at least not in public.
  • A gentleman always releases a final haunting album if he knows he’s about to die.
  • A gentleman stands when you enter the room but otherwise stays in his wheelchair.
  • A group of gentlemen is called “an oppression.”
  • A gentleman can always make a horse appear if it’s foggy.
  • A gentleman always tries the Original flavor of a thing before moving on to the Habanero or Party Taco ones.
  • A gentleman always cuffs his foreskin before going out.
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