… call the wife “The Wife.”
… establish a rapport with the waitstaff.
… say “You gotta make free throws.”
… tell you that the Wi-Fi password is k31dfjmu6222fdj91p6s6awnmt2drt361m14fp.
… need a screwdriver. No, not THAT one. The philips head.
… pretend they don’t love the dog.
… print out that boarding pass a week early.
… save their daughters and the Earth by staying behind on the asteroid.
… ask how your car is holding up these days.
… swim in the pool for 4 minutes.
… make sure you close the fridge all the way.
… cc themselves on emails to make sure it goes through.
… diet by just starving themselves for a day.
… die before you’re old enough to get to know them on a more personal level.
… have the news on in the background at a low volume.
… be “Checking in.”
… let you know that the soup he’s making will be even better the next day.
… see refs that let em play.
… try to figure out the original floor plan of your apartment.
… talk about a scene that he insists was in Easy Rider and I guess at some point got taken out and destroyed?
… learn about news from the world of colon health.
… leave. You can never truly tame a dad.