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July 06, 2017
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These things are kinda weird when you think about it. But we all do them!

There are some things that we all do but, when you think about them, they’re kinda weird.

Like, why do we pretend to be surprised when we open a birthday present and it’s something we asked for? And then we say something like “Oh my god, I love this!” Of course you love it, you asked for it.

Why do we do this?!

It’s like how every single one of us brushes our teeth every morning. And then we use that SAME brush to paint our toilets. I mean, that’s crazy right? Can you think of anything else you willingly put into your mouth even though it’s been used to paint a toilet? But we all do it. While we’re on that one, why do we paint our toilets every day?! Every single one of us owns a toilet with thousands of layers of paint.

We don’t need to do that! But we all do.

When someone we barely know says hello, we still feel like we have to say hi back. And then, when they flick our noses with the tip of their umbrella, we feel the responsibility to return that customary greeting even though we don’t know them! What’s up with that?

Nodding, even though we didn’t hear what the other person just farted.

Normal people do these things! And we never stop to question them! We have all ended several relationships because we suspected our significant other was cheating at backgammon. When we disrobe before a shower, we greet our belly button by saying “Hello belly button.” Like, what’s wrong with us?!

If I had a dime for every time I’ve eaten a ketchup and jelly sandwich for good luck, I’d have a billion dimes, which would be enough for me to enter my tarantula into that big tarantula race everyone’s always talking about.

Why do we check the fridge repeatedly, as if we expect something to magically appear? And then, when it does magically appear, why are we suddenly too full to eat anything?

Sometimes, when we’re writing “Wednesday”, we think for a second it might be spelled “Cracker Barrel”.

If I was an alien, and I just landed on Earth and saw a man carrying a fish on his head to welcome the morning, I’d think this planet was full of loons. But, here’s the thing: I did that today. All of us did! That’s just something humans do!

Every one of us out there has done everything I’ve mentioned here many, many times. So, we can take solace in the fact that if one of us is weird then we all are. At least we’re in good company. I mean, imagine if someone was the only one doing these things and just believed it was normal for some reason! I can’t even imagine the shock and embarrassment that person would feel. Good thing no one will ever have to live through that.

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