EDITOR’S NOTE: A previous version of this article had “Luciana” as “Ofelia” because I straight up forgot Ofelia died last season and honestly don’t care about any of these characters. My bad.
1) You Get A Flashback! And YOU Get A Flashback! EVERYBODY Gets A Flashback!
The season that’s been roughly 65% flashbacks so far continues!
Ofelia Luciana is remembering doing some brain stabbing. Alicia fondly recalls killing a dude she doesn’t know.
Strand deeply regrets getting his jacket all icky with dead Nick germs.
2) Flashback Further
It was the worst of times, no seriously it was the worst of times. We’re eating pancakes made out of cow food with zero syrup. Shit’s week. Stories like these make you realize Al’s plan. Someone is going to pay A LOT of money one day NOT to watch these video tapes.
Madison’s plan is to go bowling and score some cheese. It’s a can’t lose situation.
3) Cactus Zombies = “Pricks”
AHAHAHA. The zombies have prickly cactus pricks in them. And he called them pricks! Because they have the prickly pricks but also because he does not like them. AHAHAHAHAHAHA. Do you get it? DO YOU? DO YOU FUCKING GET IT? BECAUSE THE ZOMBIES HAVE PRICKLY PRICKLE PRICKS FROM THE CACTI (PLURAL OF CACTUS BTW) AND HE CALLED THEM PRICKS BECAUSE HE ALSO IS NOT A FAN OF THEM OH MY FUCKING GOD THIS JOKE IS SO GOOD! FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!
4) Nick Of Time Travel
Aren’t you supposed to be dead, dude? We all cried about it last week for seconds! Nick wants to raid this library for plenty of valuable books to eat. Plenty of valuable books to eat in there.
But he can’t even do that right. Hang in there, baby! I’m sure there’s some heroin around here somewhere.
5) Let’s Get Wet
Wow. You just KNOW she ate a churro, got her fingers all churrified, then hit the wave pool and let her sticky cinnamon fingers become someone else’s problem/yeast infection. NOT COOL.
Alicia wants to know how she could possibly know so much about cars. Like where the doors are, the fact that it has a tape deck, and about these mysterious “keys” (am I pronouncing that correctly?) that are apparently quite necessary to this whole operation.
6) Strand Knows What He’s Doing
Strand knows exactly what he’s doing. If you want to make someone interested in you MORE interested, you say some shit about not being unavailable and you’re mysterious and troubled past. Then you pull out a tiny rock to heighten that mystery with a side of mental instability and seal the deal.
7) The Water Slide Of Death
Gee whiz. Who knew climbing on to a slide when your boots are wet would be tough? NOOOO! Alicia dropped her knife! Definitely a pool safety violation. I clearly saw the sign at the entrance that said “don’t drop any big ass knives in the pool” right next to the one about not going inside if you have diarrhea. At least the diarrhea isn’t an issue with all those thick cow food dumps everybody’s taking these zombie days.
Team Wobble Legs finally makes it to the top of the slide and decide that now is a good time to just enjoy the view and in no way secure this very small and dangerous perimeter.
THAT’S WHAT YOU FUCKING GET.
Aaaand here comes Sweet Lady Sha!
Alicia, that’s now how guns work. You’re supposed to shoot bullets out of them, not break them in half and use it like a bat. Whatever, close enough.
8) The Real Strand
Strand wants this guy to know he did things before. Things that got people killed. And he’s still doing them! Behold his trunk full of syrup and stale hot dog buns. Surprised this didn’t work, usually a secret stash of supplies is real cargo shorts dropper.
9) Alicia Gives Her A Fifteenth Chance
Only six or seven more times of trying to run off on us or betray our trust and you’re out of here! Seriously! Two dozen more times, TOPS.
10) RIP Zombie Librarian
Zombie Librarian (a fan favorite from the comics) appears to have met a gruesome end. She killed herself because nobody returned a single one of her books.
Ofelia’s Luciana’s Perfect Plan
Yeah. Let’s open this book and just go to wherever the first page says. It’s a perfect plan that has no discernible issues or flaws. Strong work all around.
12) This Weenie’s Outfit
This fucking guy’s shirts and pants combination would be enough to make Madison throw up if she had any food in her stomach. He said that little brat has a knack for finding the good stuff, so I’m guessing he met her the day AFTER they raided the Blind People’s Clothing store outlet.
13) Al Won’t Shut The Fuck Up
For someone who REALLY wants people to tell their stories, she SURE does a lot of yapping over story time. It’s mostly yapping.
14) Did The Right Thing
Strand does the right thing and brings his secret food supply back to camp. Because he knows it’s his only chance to maybe, who knows, hopefully get laid and men ain’t shit. Source: Am a man.
15) Book Club
Ofelia’s Luciana’s great book plan inspired Nick. He wants to go a million miles away for sunflower seeds and dirt. Perfect. Maybe stop making plans after eating nothing but air for three days.
16) The Blame Game
Everyone blames themselves for Nick being dead. But nobody will talk about who is REALLY at fault here: NICK. If he just did a LITTLE more heroin the night before the first episode, nobody would be in this mess right now.
17) Thanks For The Ride, Losers
Gee whiz. Who knew this crew of killers and hijackers couldn’t be trusted? Al dropped them off at their buried cache of weapons. All kinds of guns and shit. Very cool cache. Pretty much the coolest. Time for some revenge! Because nobody learns shit on any of these shows ever.
And now Nick can look at the flowers forever. How
18) Take My Zombie Wife, Please
So it turns out new fake doctor lady was his wife this whole time! WHAT A TWIST! I am fully invested in here character and looking forward to seeing how this unfolds as she sticks around for many seasons to come and, ultimately, crosses over into the Blast Off The Walking Dead Into Space spinoff series in 2047.
Aaaaand she’s dead. Great. It was fun while it lasted! TUNE IN NEXT WEEK! What will Morgan and Sherif Lonely talk about in the desert? The only thing I know for sure is I’ll probably stop paying attention and check my phone when they talk about it. How many more post-mortem Nick episodes can we look forward thanks to these flashbacks? No less than 37, he has a really amazing agent. What happened to Madison? She’s off raiding the local Mini Golf place for skee ball tickets. They taste pretty good when you cover them in hot sauce! NONE OF THIS AND MORE! Next time on S04E05 of Fear The Walking Dead.