1) Rick’s Microwave Speeches
Rick grabs a fresh road note hot from the oven, because there’s nothing Ricky G loves more than reading and walking at the same time. This is actually really impressive. Rick figured out a way to give his rambling motivational update speeches from miles away. He writes it on paper, then you do the rambling for him inside your head. That’s peak Grimes efficiency.
2) Naked Arts And Crafts At The Junkyard
We interrupt your regularly scheduled long ass Rick speech about what we’ve done and the way things are now to bring you naked arts and crafts at the junkyard. Alright, dude butt. Very cool.
3) Turnip Torture
Maggie and Gregory scold Jesus for feeding the unwanted prisoners, not realizing he’s basically torturing these poor guys by making them eat warm rotten turnips. You feed them a couple more hot turnips and they’ll tell you whatever you want to know if you promise to make it stop.
4) Jerry’s Job Performance
Jerry has a fresh ax and a spiffy new jacket, but he’s slacking a bit on his duties as security guard. He’s not really securing OR guarding. Just kind of standing there bummed out like a dude who valets cars at Medieval Times and realized twelve minutes ago he’s never going to do anything with his life.
5) How Did They Decide The Talking Thing Is Their Thing?
Oh, god. I forgot how annoying it is to hear these people talk. It’s the worst. At what point in the zombie apocalypse did they decide THIS is their thing? It is such a bad thing. I’m guessing they decided it was their thing sometime after they all agreed on naked arts and crafts. It feels like it’s easier to get a group on board with anything involving nudity then they’ll agree to whatever to keep it going. And why is Rick even here after they stabbed in the back? Sorry, grazed him in the side.
6) Rick’s Picture Party
Rick shows them he means business by pulling out a tiny stack of blurry photos and yelling at everyone in the back to examine them closely. “If you look at the fourth picture, the one with the sunset, I think you’ll really appreciate the composition! I worked very hard on these!” But Rick’s Vacation Of Murder slideshow is not enough to make these smelly traitors trust him. Queen Garbage is right about one thing, Rick talks too much. That stack of photos was worth 6,000 words.
7) Drop Dead Greg
This gritty reboot of Drop Dead Fred sucks. It lacks all the fun of the 1991 original. Plus I don’t think that guy’s imaginary and his name’s not even Fred. Hard pass. Gregory calling Maggie “Margaret” was delightful. Like he was trying to mansplain her own name to her. I also love Gregory telling Maggie to listen to her gut when she’s already got an occupant in there. Stop trying to occupy gut real estate, Greg. Seat’s taken! Then Gregory solidifies his place in the White People Hall Of Fame with a kick that makes mayonnaise look like it has a tan.
8) ROOOOOOAD TRIIIIIIIIIP
We finally get an adventure that’s just two gals on the road! It’s the story of female empowerment we’ve been waiting all season for! So what are they up to? It looks like one of them has a headache and now they’re going to check out the opera. Groundbreaking stuff.
9) Carl’s Just Here To Make Friends
Carl creeps up on this bootleg American Beauty kid with a shitty lunch, an even shittier hat, and the worst fucking haircut of all time. He nails the lunch toss with that signature Carl performance we’ve come to expect. OK, now it’s time to ask the important questions: How many bad haircuts have you had? How many people have you killed? How many of those people were also your mom?
10) Problem Child Too
That dumb kid, the one Carol specifically told not to follow her, decided to follow her. Why? Because kids are dumb and a lot of compelling evidence in the scientific community suggests they’re also stupid as hell. This child appears to be unfamiliar with Carol’s score for keeping his peers alive. She’s roughly 0 for 37. Alright, little buddy. Here’s a loaded gun. You might as well use it as a toothbrush because this hero journey is not going to end well for you.
11) Maggie’s Play Pen
Maggie mercifully marches her prisoners towards their new home when she gets the great idea to add one more! AWESOME idea, Mags! See how I made your name shorter instead of longer? That’s what real friends do. Wow, Gregory, I’m not sure if you’re aware but you are currently crying like a biiiiiiitch right now. If this was the video version of this recap (at the bottom of the article) you’d get a little aside about me asking if the closed caption people spelled “biiiiiiitch” right with 7 i’s. But you’re reading the article version of this recap! And even though I pivoted to video this year like every other coward on the 2017 digital publication block, I still make two versions of this recap. What a time to be alive.
12) Why Does This Guy Insist On Aggravating His Captors?
Why does this guy insist on provoking everyone? Specifically enemies with guns? The exact group of people you never want to provoke? It’s almost like this asshole wants to die. Don’t do it! You’ve got so much to live for! Like locking down the Worst Haircut Emmy as soon as Carl bites it.
13) Deer Mama
Carl and his new pal Siddiq are on their way to a Mensa meeting when they decide to ambush some peaceful zombies in honor of Siddiq’s mom or whatever. I’m sorry. WHAT? Excuse me? Just…why? This is so dumb and unnecessary. The fact that a zombie shows up who escaped from one of Siddiq’s worthless traps really drives that point home. I don’t usually say this, but I’m fully Team Zombie in this altercation. Carl is really taking the whole adolescent rebellion thing to a new level adopting a guy his dad almost killed. Just throw a house party when he’s out of town or steal the family car and drive to Zombie McDonald’s like a normal kid.
14) RPG: Rosita Propelled Grenade
Wow. Very nice work, Rosita. That’s good television. I get wanting to use a rocket launcher on the first thing you see as soon as you pick it up. I’ve played multiple Resident Evil games, I fucking get it. But maybe Rosita should’ve used it on that car they were trying to stop? I mean, now that car is on its way to the Saviors and there’s nothing anybody can do t—
BOOM! DARYL OUT OF NOWHERE. I know what you’re thinking: Where did he come from? How did he know to hit the car? What the actual fuck is going on right now? Well, questions are for nerds and if you keep going with that kind of talk someone’s going to shove your dweeby ass in a locker.
15) King Mopey Pants
Jerry somehow got worse at his security guard, this time giving a crazy woman brandishing a shotgun a heads up that the door is unlocked. Ezekiel dropped the accent and is now sitting on the floor of the stage holding a chain and delivering a bad self-loathing monologue. It’s like he traded one lazy community theater project for another. Carol tells Ezekiel to stop being such a Mr. Mopey Pants and to start acting like everything is normal. And, even though the lack of a tiger should help Ezekiel pretend like things are normal, King Zeke confesses he is currently unable to stop being such a Mr. Mopey Pants.
16) Aaron’s Beautiful Eulogy For T-Dog
Aaron delivers a beautiful and touching speech about how much he misses T-Dog and how difficult life has been since he left us. Maggie agrees, and says she also knows the pain of waking up every day trying to fill a T-Dog sized hole in your heart. Then she promises to kill a bunch of men while gently holding her training baby. TUNE IN NEXT WEEK! Will Carl and Siddiq make it home? Unfortunately, yes. Who will die next? It looks like Aaron and Enid were the last names pulled from the writers room hat for unlikely buddy pairings, my money’s on the young lady. What will happen to Rick and the garbage people? He’s laying low until arts & crafts time, he’s already got his uniform on. NONE OF THIS AND MORE on S08E07 of The Walking Dead.