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February 11, 2016

Forgot to get something for your lover? Don't worry, here are a bunch of terrible ideas for last-minute gifts.

This has happened to all of us: It’s Valentine’s Day and you totally forgot to get the the love of your life a gift. Well, don’t worry, we’ve got you covered with this great list of premium-quality last-minute Valentine’s Day gifts anyone can whip up 30 minutes before getting dinner wherever you can get in!

  • Swallow a metal heart-shaped object and go to the hospital together and get an X-ray.
  • An agreement to watch You’ve Got Mail but not tonight.
  • A Twitter @ mention.
  • A small donation to the charity of her choice — is that a PROBLEM?????
  • “Kandy,” the low-cost candy-free candy alternative.
  • A globe. That’s your thing, right? You collect globes, I thought.
  • One over-the-pants hand job with eye contact.
  • Leaf that “reminded me of you.”
  • Their favorite cereals mixed in a plastic grocery bag.
  • Constructive criticism.
  • An upgrade to Windows 10.
  • A bunch of Walgreens bags stuffed inside a Walgreens bag.
  • That mustard from the fridge she likes.
  • The Name of God Is Mercy by Pope Francis (e-book torrent).
  • This one is kind of Seal-specific, but singing your song “Kiss From a Rose.”
  • A long gray bone.
  • $20 on Venmo with “Not tonight” in the memo.
  • Saying “I thought we agreed not to do gifts this year” more and more feebly as they start to cry.
  • Print out a picture of Baby Huey you found online and pretend you got her the rights to Baby Huey.
  • Check for $200 that will bounce.