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July 14, 2017
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Spider Fever is transmitted by spider bites, not unlike how Spider-Man got his powers, but completely unrelated to Spider-Man

Over 10 million people saw Marvel’s new Spider-Man movie opening weekend, but that pales in comparison to the number of people diagnosed with a new disease scientists have dubbed “Spider Fever.” Also, Spider Fever has nothing to do with Spider-Man; referencing the number of people who saw that movie is just a mechanism to explain how serious this epidemic is. Box office analysts expect almost as many people to see Spider-Man: Homecoming it’s second weekend of release, which is problematic since Spider Fever is highly contagious and spreads rapidly through large gatherings of people. Again, Spider-Man has nothing to do with Spider Fever, we’re just bringing it up to illustrate that you should avoid movie theaters to protect yourself from this disease.

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A hotbed for Spider Fever (note - these people are not necessarily watching the new Spider-Man movie, but they could be, it’s irrelevant to Spider Fever)

Spider Fever is transmitted by most spider bites, not unlike how Peter Parker got his Spider-Man powers, but completely unrelated. After someone is infected, the disease can be transmitted from person to person through pathogens spread through the air and is highly contagious, kind of like the good buzz surrounding Spider-Man: Homecoming that enabled it to do so well opening weekend. Except with Spider Fever you get sick and die.

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If this happens to you, please seek medical attention, not a billionaire industrialist super hero mentor

The symptoms of Spider Fever include a tingling sensation in the back of your neck (similar to Spider-Man’s “spidey sense,” but completely different), a discharge of thick white viscous mucus (if you’re now thinking of Spider-Man’s webbing, you’re way off base, it’s just snot), and a deadly fever that if left untreated can lead to death (which, if we’re making comic book comparisons is kind of similar to the Legacy Virus in X-Men, but it’s completely unnecessary to do so since this is a real, dangerous disease unrelated to a comic book property).

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If you are experiencing a strange tingling sensation and are having trouble breathing like your face is covered in a mask, you may have Spider Fever, a serious disease unrelated to Spider-Man

Now that you know the dangers of Spider Fever, you have a responsibility in stopping the spread of the disease, for knowledge is power, and with great power, comes great responsibility. And yes, we know that’s a thing that Spider-Man’s uncle Ben says, but it’s also something doctors have been saying for way longer.

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